The Pleasure and Pain of Traveling with Kids

We approached the edge of the Grand Canyon slowly, eyes looking down at our feet and the ground immediately in front of us. When we got to the solid metal fence, we looked up and at once the grandeur and immensity of the canyon affected us. “Oh, my,” my six-year-old daughter called out. I glanced over at my nine-year-old son to see his mouth opened wide in wonder. My eyes filled with tears, not only at the beauty I was witnessing but at the real gift of sharing this moment with my children. This, I thought, is the reason we travel as a family. We are taken out of our everyday routine and get to have new experiences with those we love most in the world.

Of course, family travel is not all moments of transcendence like I described above; it also involves massive tantrums, sleep disruption, squabbling parents, unexpected illness, and more. I remember a trip to Disneyland which we had to cut short because first one child and then the other threw up in the rental car. These are the moments that parents dread. They are made more difficult by being in an unfamiliar environment and also because we have looked forward to the possibility of the vacation being relaxing or at least a break from our routine. Here are some ideas for making family travel more pleasant and less taxing for all involved.

Prepare, Prepare, Prepare

There are excellent ways to prepare for family travel on the Internet. I research hotels and activities carefully, reading reviews and anticipating my family’s needs and interests. Lately, we have been staying at Airbnb’s because it can be helpful to have more space and a kitchen when traveling with kids.

Include your children in the planning as much as possible. Perhaps as part of your Family Meeting, tell kids what is coming up and help them to anticipate what the upcoming travel might be like. Consider offering your kids a few choices of activities and asking them to choose the one in which they are most interested.

Enlist your kids in your research. I often show my kids maps, photos, and short videos of the places we are about to visit. This helps them to feel invested in the trip and also to have a small glimpse of what to expect. Most of us (including kids), do best when we know what to expect and also feel consulted in the the things that we are going to do on a trip.

Adjust Your Expectations

This is my most important suggestion! Remember that a vacation with kids will not be the same as a vacation without kids. Take it as a given that family travel will be a noisier, messier, more sleep-deprived experience. However, there will also be moments of connection and experiences that are simply not possible if you stay at home.

Family travel also gets easier as your children get older. There is simply less gear to bring along, for one thing! But also, you can choose to deeply explore your older children’s interests in a new place, showing them that you value their unique personalities and contributions to the family.

But if you are parenting young children, remember that the messiness of travel with little ones is not your fault. This is just the way it is and perhaps it helps a bit to just not expect anything different.

On that same trip to the Grand Canyon, I complimented by brother-in-law on how well his two little boys were doing on a long car ride. I could tell that he appreciated the positive feedback and he also said that he had been feeling that they had been a little too crazy. Sometimes, perspective is everything. The more we can learn to quiet our inner critics, the better. Often, we take our children’s behavior personally, instead of realizing that certain activities will be challenging for them and taking it as part and parcel of the experience.

Mix Things Up, But Also Remember Routine

In my opinion, vacations are not a time to stick to strict routines. Part of the fun of travel is stepping outside of our everyday existence. That said, remember that kids do well with knowing what to expect from day to day. So, be sure to let them know what is coming up throughout the trip. You will also want to insure enough time to sleep—adding back in naps or quiet rest time for older kids may be necessary. Treats can also be a part of travel, but remain mindful of getting kids enough protein and fiber so that they can feel their best through long days filled with new experiences. Again, some kind of balance is the goal. Staying too rigid may keep you from enjoying your trip, but imposing some structure and expectations is absolutely necessary for kids to be successful when outside of their normal routines.

Schedule Time For You

For many parents, a vacation is simply not a vacation without the opportunity to engage in the activities that excite us, indulge us, or challenge us. After all, we are human beings, not just parents! I encourage you to find ways to connect with the moments that give you pleasure and help you to find meaning in travel.

Perhaps, you and your partner could trade off childcare responsibilities so that you can participate in an activity. If you are visiting family, perhaps a family member can watch your kids so that you and your partner can have time without your kids. Be creative but just remember to give some thought to whether there is something that you really want to do and think about whether it is possible for you to do that activity. This is part of self-care and it is your responsibility as a parent to look out for yourself as well as for your kids!

Over years of family travel, I’ve discovered some ways to make the experience more pleasant, both for my husband and me and for our children. Perhaps most importantly, if your family values travel, I encourage you to keep doing it. You can adjust your expectations and make the venues child appropriate, but travel with kids can still be fun!

You, Me & Them: Parenting as a Couple

Back in 2005, author Ayelet Waldman proclaimed boldly that she loved her husband more than she loved her children in a New York Times article. This announcement seemed to strike a nerve, with quick reactions in the media that she must be an unfit mother and shouldn’t have had children to begin with. Waldman remained undeterred, however, and stated that the best foundation she could give her children was a strong partnership with their father. Whether you share Ms. Waldman’s feelings or not, she can be applauded for beginning a conversation and for shaking up our expectations of what kind of partnerships best serve both parents and children.

As a society, we do not always acknowledge the toll that having children can take on a relationship. Research has shown that 67 percent of parents report a drop in marital quality and satisfaction after the birth of a baby. Challenges can be expected as parents initially adjust to this tremendous event, but the truth is the changes of parenting kids keep us forever on our toes. We need to be able to adjust to the shifting sands of parenting in our relationships with our kids and in our relationship with our spouse. The ability to be flexible and the desire to put work into the relationship will help your partnership to thrive in the midst of parenting.

The Challenges

The challenges of parenting a new baby can be overwhelming. New parents often feel like a bomb has been dropped in the middle of their old lives, leaving them scrambling to adjust to a new normal. If subsequent kids come along, parents may feel better able to anticipate the enormous responsibility of having a newborn, but must still accommodate new relationships and new demands on their time and energy.

Here are some of the top stresses that parents of young children face:

• The difference between expectations of what parenting will be versus the reality
• Differences between partners in parenting style or philosophy
• Lack of time with each other and emotional intimacy challenges
• Changes in sex life and physical intimacy
• Lack of sleep and ensuing physical symptoms, such as crankiness and exhaustion
• Both partners dealing with new identities and role shifts
• Challenges with division of labor in the household
• Differences in how you and your partner were raised may come to the forefront in new ways. This includes dealing with in-laws and setting boundaries around your new family.
• Career and work issues, including financial concerns

The key is to recognize these changes, being gentle with your self and with your partner. It is important to recognize that all relationships have times of calm and times of challenge and that you have the love to work through hard times together. It’s also helpful to hold the duality that you need to feel comfortable in your relationship and trust its strength while also continuing to put new energy and attention into it. You must at once trust your partnership to hold steady in a hard time, while not neglecting it entirely.

What Makes a Relationship Work?

According to John Gottman, a researcher at the University of Washington who has studied relationships for over forty years, there are some essential tips to making your relationship work. They include:

• Create special one-on-one time with your spouse
• Express positive emotions towards one another
• Express your needs directly
• Listen to your partner empathetically
• Avoid criticism, put-downs, and stone-walling (emotional withdrawal)
• Be tolerant of each other’s faults
• Learn to make and receive attempts at repair

It’s interesting to note that these tips also apply to our relationships with our children, or with anyone else for that matter! Sometimes our partner ends up receiving all of our negative emotions simply because they are available and safe for us show our darker sides to. Often, we protect our children from our anger and frustration and it ends up being passed on to our partners. Instead, we can learn to recognize our feelings, channel our frustration in healthier ways, and express our emotions with kindness and directness to our partner to avoid hurt feelings and ensure that our messages are received clearly and non-defensively.

Five Love Languages

We often express our love to our partner (or to our children, for that matter) in the way that we appreciate being shown love. The truth is that different people feel loved in different ways. Gary Chapman has expressed this well and has come up with five different love languages:

• Words of Affirmation
• Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

Consider asking your partner what she thinks her love language is. Tell her what yours is. You can also think about your child’s love language. This is a wonderful way of trying to take on your loved one’s perspective and to practice having compassion for her point of view.

Other Research-Based Tips for a Strong Partnership

• Consider putting your own needs first and filling up your own tank before trying to connect with your spouse. If you are worn-down and exhausted, you are unlikely to be able to form strong bonds or have enjoyable moments with those you love. Practice taking good care of yourself and see that act as an important way of caring for your family as well.
• Rethink date night by having an adventure together. Think about whether you can incorporate an activity where you learn something new together into your night out. Sharing novel experiences builds relationships.
• Balance time together and apart. Try to think about the various components of your family and create time as a whole family and in separate dyads. You and your partner need time alone together, but you may also find great joy in time with one child at a time. Research also supports some kind of family mealtime. This doesn’t have to be dinner and it doesn’t need to be every night, but some kind of ritualized family gathering is beneficial to kids and parents.

I leave you with the long-term view. Parenting is an intense endeavor that will take as much from you as you are able to give. Continuing to invest in your relationship with your partner, even in the midst of the all-consuming love and attention you feel for your children, is important, both for the long-term health of your partnership and for the children themselves. Children thrive when their parents are able to offer a model of a loving, respectful, flexible relationship and will carry this model into their own future lives.

Resources:

How the Five "Love Languages" Can Help You Win at Relationships(article)

Truly, Madly, Guiltily, by Ayelet Waldman (article)

All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior (book)

Secrets of Happy Families by Bruce Feiler (book)

Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages

The Gottman Institute

Embracing "Good Enough" Parenting

I can think of no better time of year to revisit the concept of “good enough” parenting! With summer upon us, I am struck again by the disconnect between the kind of parent I wish I were and the kind that I actually am. My mythical ideal parent has her kids with her all day the whole summer enjoying inventive and educational opportunities as we bask in each other’s company without the distractions of technology or sweet treats (in this version, my kids don’t even ask for these things because they are outside playing in the woods and reading fortifying literature). In reality, I am the kind of mom who adores her children and needs a break from them. I love having summer time adventures together and I love for them to have their own independent adventures and for me to have mine as well.

The key here lies in my attitude towards my own idea of a perfect mom. When I recognize the disconnect between what is ideal and what is real for me without beating myself up, I am able to be content with my own good enough parenting. This does not mean that I let myself off the hook or that I don’t have high standards in my parenting, it simply means that I am being authentic to my own parenting style. I know that I will always be working on my relationship with my kids, working to be more present and more positive and accepting. But when I approach that work with self-compassion and self-knowledge I avoid the trap of beating myself up for all the ways that I fall short as a parent.

D.W. Winnicott, the noted British psychoanalyst, developed the idea of the “good enough mother” after World War Two. He also called this mother the “ordinary good mother” or the “devoted mother.” The idea is that the ways that we fail our children are myriad but that when we provide an ample base of love and support, our children will continue to thrive. In fact, if we met every single need of our children at every single moment, they would have little resilience or grit with which to approach the world at large. It is through these daily small failings—a baby who cries for minutes before being soothed, a toddler who falls and scrapes his knee, an older child whose parent loses her temper and speaks harshly at him—that a child learns that he is strong and capable. What is also key here is that in these examples, the child is soothed by the parent eventually or the parent does return and repair the damage done by harsh words. Thus, the child learns that he can overcome hard moments and he also learns that he can accept love and nurturance from a parent—this is the stuff of “ordinary, good” parenting. In fact, I would suggest that a child whose every need was met by his parent would grow up to be someone we would never want to spend time with as an adult. We must learn to trust ourselves and our independence, while still in the warm embrace of a loving parent.

Some parents never received this kind of parenting themselves and thus face the hard work of trying to parent without a map. These parents often judge themselves harshly and hold themselves up to incredibly high standards. To these parents I would suggest firmly that they are not their parents. Where we came from is important, but each day we get to move forward in new relationships with our children. Through self-awareness, that challenging job of “doing our own work,” we can heal our pasts through creating a positive, though imperfect, childhood for our own children. There is so much hope in this perspective, but it is only possible when we are aware of our own expectations and able to be realistic about parenting’s challenges.

Recently, a parent with whom I was working said that she hadn’t expected parenting to be so messy. I smiled in recognition. I also strongly believe that there is no way for it not to be messy. Parenting at its heart is about relationship and relationships are not often neat and tidy. Despite, or perhaps even because of this, they are places for enormous personal growth and self-revelation. When we embrace our “good enough” parent we make space for our own authenticity to shine through.

Resources

The Child, the Family, and the Outside World, by D.W. Winnnicott

Parenting from the Inside Out, by Dan Siegel

Mothering Without a Map, by Kathryn Black

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel

Questions & Answers about Infant Mental Health

For generations, babies were thought of as adorable, moldable lumps of clay that were there to be cared for and loved until they were old enough to be useful or interesting. Without language to tell us what they think or feel about the world around them, it can still be easy to disregard the amazing development that infants are undertaking in the first year of life.

In recent years, we have come to see an exponential growth in brain science, which has revealed the complex inner world of the infant’s brain. Infants are, in fact, working hard to absorb and make sense of the world around them. Their brains are developing rapidly. They are affected deeply by the emotional and physical care that they receive. While resilient, they are also vulnerable to mistreatment and to neglect.

What is infant mental health?

Put simply, infant mental health is the awareness of, and focus on, the inner world of the infant. It is the recognition that infants can have feelings and thoughts that are important to consider as we care for them on a daily basis. It is also the knowledge that the experiences that an infant has in early life will directly impact the kind of adult he or she will become.

We are born with innate characteristics, often referred to as temperament. But, we are also influenced by our environment- the places and people around which we grow up. Infant mental health recognizes both components that make us who we are. Some babies are innately more sensitive; they may react more strongly to external and internal stimuli. These babies can be harder to care for and parents may need extra support in order to be there physically and emotionally for their babies.

We also recognize now that extreme circumstances experienced in childhood (such as parental depression, poverty, substance abuse, domestic violence, or other traumatic events), known as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), can directly influence our mental health as adults. By supporting parents who have had these kinds of experiences, the hope is to end the cycle of mental illness that can repeat itself throughout generations.

How can I support my baby’s mental health?

Parents can support their babies’ mental health through curiosity and consistency. Be curious about your baby’s mental and physical states. Engage your baby in play and be empathetic to his need for engagement and relaxation. Consider your baby’s mental state as you go through the day. Talk to your baby. Ask him questions and comment on the things you see around you.

Also, provide your baby with some kind of consistent schedule. Babies thrive when there is some kind of predictability to routine and to care. Respond to baby’s cues with love and gentleness.

Babies need to attach securely to at least one caregiver in order to thrive. We can promote attachment through knowing ourselves well, responding to our babies’ cues, and understanding our own past attachments. Those who were raised without strong attachments themselves are not doomed to repeat this pattern with their own children! With support and self-awareness, these parents can be excellent caregivers with healthy attachments to their own children.

A baby’s mental health is intimately intertwined with that of his parents. Remember that your own good mental health and self-awareness will positively impact your baby. It is okay to need breaks from parenting and to reconnect with activities that gave you joy and pleasure before you became a parent.

What if I have a concern?

It is important to realize that there is a wide range of normal development and that most babies are resilient and grow into healthy children in their own time and in their own ways. But, if you have concerns feel free to contact your child’s pediatrician. She can be an excellent source of information. She can also help you to recognize when your own parental anxiety may be coming up instead of an actual issue with your baby. As parents, we work so hard to be available for our children that sometimes we can feel fear and worry. Unfortunately, this can lead to a negative cycle in our interactions with our children.

Babies are incredibly clued into their caregiver’s mental and emotional states. An anxious parent needs to figure out ways to calm her own mental state in order to avoid negatively impacting her baby. There are therapists who specialize in working with parents who need support with the transition to parenthood and therapists who work with parent-child dyads to strengthen attachment between the two.

While we are incredibly fortunate to live in a time when scientists are rapidly discovering new information about how babies’ brains work, this can also add to increased anxiety in parents. Parents may feel that they need to be stimulating baby’s brains at every moment. In fact, babies need times of stimulation and of rest in order to grow and develop properly. This is yet another instance where we need to practice “good enough” parenting. Babies need us to be imperfect, but still curious and attuned, parents in order to grow into the best version of them selves.

Resources:

Washington Association for Infant Mental Health

Fussy Baby Network, Cooper House

Listening Mothers, Community of Mindful Parents

Screening Mental Health In Kindergarten Is Way Too Late, Experts Say

Family Manifestos: what does your family value most?

What better way is there to begin 2017 than with fresh energy and a strong vision for the present that leads to an even brighter future? One way to accomplish this with your family is to spend some time together making up a family mission statement or manifesto. This living, breathing document is most effective when it is created collaboratively as a family and adjusted as time goes on to make it relevant as your family grows and develops together. Here are some tips for getting started!

Process
This could be a part of a weekly family meeting, if you are currently doing them, or a special family activity. Perhaps most importantly, this is not a top-down activity, one in which you hand down a set of rules to your kids. Instead, this is an opportunity for every member of the family to be heard and every person’s ideas to be valued. Kids are so much more likely to buy into this concept if they are given respect in the process of its creation.

As you are working together, pay attention to your kids’ levels of focus and energy. Perhaps you could bracket this meeting with some outdoor activity time to blow off steam. Don’t stress if you still have more work on the manifesto that you would like to do but your kids are clearly done with the activity. Remember that you can always revisit it in days to come!

How
Begin by talking with your kids about how important it is to be clear about purpose and values. You could say that most companies and schools have mottos of some kind to motivate their employees or students. You could say that a family is like a team and teams work best when they have common goals. It may be important to mention that you don’t expect everyone in your family to share exactly the same goals but that you know that there are many that you can agree on. 

It might be helpful to begin with a large piece of paper which you can use to brainstorm. Remember that all ideas are welcome in brainstorming—no one gets to say that other people’s ideas are not worthwhile. Write down every idea that comes up as you ask questions, such as:

- What does our family believe in?
- What do we try our best to do?
- How do we like to be treated?
- What do we need to work on?
- What do we do really well?

As your family’s ideas spring out and are written down, begin to look for links and overlap between ideas. Your job as a parent will be to look at the big picture and find connections between ideas. Ideally, you will be able to pare the manifesto down to key statements that everyone in the family feels good about. You can remind your family that this is a work in progress. You can try out the wording in practice and see if it feels right. Tell them that it will be a responsive document that can change as the family grows and changes, but that certain key values will stay constant.

The last step in this process is to write out the manifesto in way that you would like to have displayed in your home. It can be nice to post it where you have family meetings so that you can refer back to the ideas and values that it represents. You can also use it during times of struggle or challenging behavior, to remind kids of the values that your family holds dear. You can use it to help relieve a power struggle by asking a child if his behavior is in accord with the manifesto. This is a way to hopefully gently remind without harshly correcting. But, fully expect this to be a two-way street and tell kids that they, too, can remind you when you the parent are not holding up your part of the contract as well!

Another Option: Parenting Manifestos

Another take on this manifesto is to work on your own personal parenting manifesto. Instead of focusing on the collaborative effort of the whole family coming together, this is an opportunity for you to dive deep into your own personal parenting values. This can be a great exercise to do either on your own or with your parenting partner. As you clarify your own values, you will find a greater sense of the big picture of parenting and hopefully that will inspire you as you navigate through the sometimes messy, nature of day-to-day parenting.

In her forthcoming book, Life Incorporated, author Halley Bock offers suggestions on how to write your own personal manifesto. She suggests that you “challenge yourself to come up with ten statements about what you believe, three statements about how you want to change the world, and five statements about what you know to be true. You will then combine these statements to create your personal manifesto.” You can use these same steps to create your parenting manifesto.

As you think about this manifesto, it may be a great opportunity to reflect on your own family of origin. What did your own parents do wonderfully and what could they have done better? What do you want to bring forward and what do you want to leave behind from your own past? Research shows that parents who engage in self-reflection are more able to attach to their own children and form strong, meaningful family relationships.

This is a great time to look at our big goals and ways that we can help them come to fruition. I wish you the best of luck as you create and implement your family manifesto in the new year!


Further Reading & Examples
Brene Brown’s Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Gretchen Rubin’s podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin
Life, Incorporated by Halley Bock

My Favorite Parent

“I don’t want you. I want Daddy!” “Mommy is nicer than Daddy.” “I wish I had a different Mom.” As hard as it may be and as many feelings as it may bring up, I consider a child favoring one parent over another to be a completely normal part of parenting. But this kind of challenge can come up unexpectedly and even leave us in a fight or flight response in which we either engage emotionally with a child or withdraw from interactions because we are hurt or saddened. As normal as it can be for a child to express preferences, it doesn’t mean that this experience isn’t often very hard for parents to deal with.

Once again, Positive Discipline can provide a framework for finding a way through a potential emotional minefield. As we parent with love and limits, we both listen to the child’s experience (never negating what they feel), while giving them boundaries in how they express their feelings.

Who are you? Who is your child?

This issue can also bring up the challenge of parenting a child who is very similar to you OR very different from you. Parent-child dyads with similar temperaments can get along well, but often the conflict of having to separate and individuate can be harder for the child. As for the parent, the challenging aspects of her child’s personality might bother her more because she sees the same characteristics in herself and knows the struggle of living in the world with these challenges.

For parents whose children are very different than they are, the struggle is more likely to come up around empathy. How can these parents find common ground with their children and work to understand their child’s point of view? I hope that these ideas might prompt some self-reflection in parents. In what ways is your child similar or different from you? Which qualities in your child do you deeply admire? Which qualities really get on your nerves? From this deeper reflection, you can more clearly understand your relationship with your child and work to strengthen it.

Developmental Stages

Children are often playing with their own power and control. They want independence but also connection. They can feel trapped in the push-pull dynamic of needing their parent desperately but also needing to assert who they are as a separate individual. At times, this dynamic can assert itself in a child identifying more with one parent’s qualities and way of being in the world. Instead of dwelling in our own hurt feelings, we can potentially see this time as an opportunity for growth and development for our children.

Feelings First, But Also Moving Forward

As in all interactions, you are modeling for your child how to handle emotions in a healthy way. i believe that it is perfectly fine for you to express your feelings when a child says that she likes the other parent more. I would do this in a fairly contained but authentic way. The message that I would aim to convey is that it’s okay to feel anything, but it’s not okay to say anything or do anything. What we say and do affect the people around us. This is at the very heart of relationships. We want our children to be open and expressive with us and sometimes that comes with difficult messages. But, children also need to learn to be responsible for their own actions.

In this situation, you need to be the bigger person and assert that you can handle whatever they bring to you. You are the captain of this ship and you can handle what your child brings to you with equanimity. Of course, this might mean that you need to get support from your own adult friends. If a child has deeply hurt your feelings, you will need to be supported in your own feelings. Just avoid asking a child to protect or comfort you to a large extent. If you are feeling emotionally challenged by a child’s rejection, it may also benefit you to look at your own attachment history and family of origin.

Rewrite History

Perhaps you experienced a challenging relationship with your own parents. Or, alternately, maybe you have an incredibly strong relationship with your own parents. Neither one of these stories is necessarily the one that you will have with your child. I encourage you to be self-reflective. What parts of your own history have led you to be the parent that you are now? Why does this rejection hurt you or not hurt you the way that it does? What kind of thoughts do you have when your child prefers the other parent or caregiver over you? Are these based in reality or based on a story that you are telling yourself? The beautiful thing about parenting is that we are called everyday to show up and be present for our kids. So, every day offers a new chance to live our values and build the relationship that you want to have with your child.

Build the Relationship

How do you go about building the relationship with your child? The great thing is that as kids grow up they develop a wider range of interests. While we have all spent time playing with our kids in ways that feel boring or un-engaging to us simply in order to spend time with those we love, we also should work on finding common interests with our children. Think about your own hobbies, the activities that bring you joy, and find ways to include your child in them. You should also pay attention to your child’s interests and try to find common ground. I never thought that I would know so much about the Seattle Sounders, but living with my ten year old son’s enthusiasm for the team has created a space of shared interest that has strengthened our relationship.

Trust the Attachment

Remember that you are incredibly important to your child. Your influence and your love are at the core of how your child sees himself in the world. You need to be the steady presence that is unshaken by the waves a child’s whims. Staying calm and connected in the midst of conflict is the hardest thing we may need to do as a parent, but remember how much you love your child and feel confident that he loves you with intensity, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Avoid Catastrophic thinking

Most of all, remember that whatever is going on right now with your child is highly unlikely to last long. Children move through stages quickly even though they can feel interminable when we’re in them. In the meantime, treat yourself kindly and get support when you need it. Stay engaged with your child and stay self reflective and you will get through this moment and be a stronger parent for having done so.

Scenarios

I thought that a couple of scenarios might be helpful in understanding parental favoritism—

1. Paul is a stay-at-home dad parenting a two-year-old son. The two enjoy their time together during the day but as soon as Paul’s wife returns home in the evening, their son wants nothing to do with Paul. He will whine and ask for his mom, and Paul feels simultaneously rejected and relieved that he can have time for himself. This ambivalence surprises him somewhat and he’s unsure of how to respond to his son.

In this instance, I would urge Paul to not take his son’s rejection personally. His son spends the majority of the day with him and is eager to reconnect with his mother in the evening. Paul can use this time to take care of himself and perhaps to do things around the house that don’t get done during the day. In this instance, I would hope that he would trust the connection that he has with his son and feel gratitude that his son feels attached to the other parent as well.

2. Lisa and Margaret are parents to two small children. Lately, the children only want Lisa to put them to bed, saying to Margaret that she’s not as cuddly as Lisa. Margaret is hurt by her children.

I would counsel Margaret to tell her children that this feels hurtful, but to stay somewhat contained in her emotions when she talks to them. The point is for them to see the impact of how they act on others, but not to make them feel guilty or ashamed. It is perfectly normal for kids to prefer certain parents for certain tasks. So, I would honor and respect the children’s feelings, while also making it clear that Margaret and Lisa have several choices in how to practically move forward. One, Margaret could give this time to Lisa and the kids, knowing that she is building a strong relationship with the children during other times of the day. Two, Margaret and Lisa could work out a plan with the children that most night Lisa puts the kids to bed, but that Margaret will do it on certain nights. Three, Margaret and Lisa could put the kids to bed together, building on Margaret’s strength as a story reader and Lisa’s cuddling proficiency.

The key is to acknowledge everybody’s feelings and then to move forward with kindness and transparency. Everybody in this situation wants to feel valued and loved and, as in most times in life, there are many ways to go about honoring feelings and remaining respectful at the same time.

What are your thoughts on these scenarios? Would you give different advice? Have you experienced situations like this in your own parenting life?  

Spring Fever

Spring has certainly been slow to arrive in the Pacific Northwest this year! We have struggled through days of epic rain and uncharacteristically cold April days. And yet, there have been lovely glimpses of the weather to come, of the possibilities and energy that come with spring and then with summer. I have noticed over the past few years as a mom to school-aged children as well as a parent educator in cooperative preschools, that even as each school year brings unique triumphs and challenges, there are dependable rhythms to the school year.

We are now in the last push of the year, when we feel the excitement of summer nearly upon us. We feel it in the changing temperature, see it in the blooming trees, even smell it in the warm rain on pavement and spring flowers. We may also feel some anxiety about the coming months of summer vacation and we may need to temper our own expectations for the change of season as the school year ends. Here are some ideas about managing and enjoying spring fever!

TRANSITIONS

Our kids can manifest their own feelings about transitions in many ways. Some kids may be eagerly awaiting the end of the school year, while others are anxious about the transition out of the school routine. We can offer empathy to whatever our kids are feeling, but first I suggest that you explore their feelings with them. Some nice times to talk to kids can be in the car (no eye contact required, which is a plus for many tweens and preteens!) and before bed, when a child may feel more vulnerable and more able to access her feelings. You can talk about how you feel during times of transition and emphasize that it is normal to have lots of feelings in times of change. Kids may already be mourning the end of a school year with a beloved teacher or class. They may feel nervous about the lack of structure in the summer. They will be well-served by your helping them to articulate feelings and to come up with strategies for making this transition more manageable.

CALENDAR

With the influx of end-of-the-year activities and special events, this is a great time to put into effect a family calendar. I suggest having a time of the week (we find Sunday evening most helpful in our family) when you note what is coming up the next week. Kids usually do better when they know what to expect and parents who use a family calendar are showing respect to their children’s need for knowledge and control over their lives.

ROUTINE

As schedules get crazy, we need to be able to rely on routines even more. The more you keep consistent in terms of timing and expectations, the more your child will be able to endure schedule disruptions without meltdowns. It is so easy living in Seattle to push bedtimes later and later as the sunset creeps towards 10pm. But exhausted kids are not able to withstand the energetic needs of long summer days. I would also urge you to keep mealtimes consistent as much as possible. Kids who are surviving on snack foods and trips to the ice cream truck are not able sustain solid moods.

CONNECTION

This time of year is busy and many families are bustling around to and from many activities. These can be wonderful times of connection but you may also need to build in one-on-one or special time with each child in order to ensure that they feel secure and connected to you. The more connected kids feel, the better their behavior is likely to be.

YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Many of us parents have high expectations for the spring and summer months. Sometimes we may need to let ourselves off the hook a bit and do less. As painful as it can be to decline an invitation to a sporting event or barbecue, we may feel burnt out by the frenetic pace of endless summer activities. We may feel that we need to pack everything in during our short, but beautiful sunny season. Stay in touch with your own energy and stress levels. Sometimes the best summer days are slow and relaxing, with nothing on the agenda but water gun fights and lemonade stands.

I know that the rush of activities that will begin after spring break and culminate at the end of the school year can feel overwhelming. Remember to take time for yourself and to breathe. Enjoy the small moments of joy that are waiting to be noticed in each day!