Losing Sight of Shore

My daughter and I recently watched an excellent document called Losing Sight of Shore. It tells the story of a four-woman crew who row across the Pacific from California to Australia unassisted in a 29-foot boat. It was an epic journey, to say the least, with incredible highs and lows both emotionally and physically (they rowed two at a time for two hour shifts so dealt with extreme sleep deprivation on top of everything else).

The low that has stayed with me has been when they near the equator and enter what is known as "The Doldrums." I had heard this term before applied to a general feeling of malaise and lowness in mood, but hadn't fuly realized that it came from a physical place. This place has very low winds, shifting currents, and unusually warm weather. As the crew entered the doldrums they were rowing constantly but often losing overall mileage because of the intense currents. One day they went 9.6 miles in the wrong direction! I can't imagine how difficult it would feel to be working that hard, with all of your might and focus, and still feel that you are losing ground.

Have you wondered what I might be getting at here? Yes, it's (yet another) pandemic metaphor! But really, it did feel resonant to me in this moment. So many of us have been doing all the "right" things, working so hard and with little reward for so long, and yet we find ourselves in a moment where it feels like we are just stagnating, or even moving backwards.

It helped me to feel some spark of recognition in the plight of these rowers, even though my current life is not physically that demanding, the mental calculations of risk and reward have felt overwhelming of late. There is just so much mental energy taken up by my awareness of my own lack of control over the world at large.

So, what is the lesson here? The best one I can take is that sometimes journeys take a lot longer than we initially anticipate, that our paths from start to finish are not always as straightforward as we thought they might be, and most of all that life is always shifting.

Those women DID reach Australia, later than they had planned, and with a different end destination, but with huge celebrations and tears and hugs. I don't imagine the end of the cornoavirus will feel that defnitive, I have heard that part of this particular journey will involve learning to live with this virus, albeit with increased precautions and treatments.

When in the doldrums, we feel that they will never, ever end. And then, they do. There's a metaphor in there and a lesson to be learned for sure. I'm still working on figuring out the lessons I want to learn from this pandemic, but it sometimes feels good to have a name for what I'm feeling. Doldrums is a fun word, too, and brings a smile to my face when I say it. So, there's that--a little smile in the midst of all this grief and angst and endless worry. And the smile feels like relief and hope. Life is shifting beheath our feet, even when we can't feel or see it. So, keep rowing, my friends, keep rowing along the best you can.

Post-Pandemic Parenting

Post-pandemic parenting

As spring begins to bloom and vaccines are rolling out, we find ourselves at the beginning of the end of the pandemic. Not to say we are done with precautions and fears, but perhaps there is a lightening around the edges of our daily lives and with it thoughts and feelings about reentry into “normal life.”

What will this reentry look like? As has been the case over the past year, there are still many unknowns.  I get many questions from the parents I work with asking how kids will recover from this year. I know that this will be an ongoing conversation and one that I am following particularly carefully (for both professional and personal reasons!). Nothing exactly like this has happened in recent memory. Everything I know about humanity and child development points to our innate human resilience. I have absolute faith that your kids will be fine, that they will come out of this different than they might have been without it, but absolutely healthy and strong and safe. Kids will learn how to socialize again, we adults will learn how to trust the world again. It will take patience and love and work, but I believe that the future is bright.

Sadly, as with so many other parts of this pandemic, the injustices inherent in our society also mean that kids who are already at risk will be impacted more grievously by the pandemic. Kids who already lived on the socio-economic margins, or without strong, loving attachment figures, will need more support and help to recover. We must acknowledge these extra challenges and allocate extra support and resources to kids and families who have been most grievously impacted by Covid’s destruction. 

Here we have a classic case of both/and—we can both feel incredible empathy for others whose situations may be more intense than our own, while still grieving our own personal losses of the past year. Parents have been doing a nearly impossible thing--parenting young children is challenging under the best of circumstances and the past year has been really, really hard. Here are some thoughts on recovery and reentry.

Be kind and compassionate to self and others

One of the ways we take care of ourselves is by noticing our reactions. What has this year been like? How have you coped? Can you give yourself credit for the challenges and your responses to them?

Love and patience

Many kids will do just fine as they re-integrate into school and other social activities. Some trepidation and anxiety is totally normal. Other kids will need more support as they navigate reentry. Talk through fears with your kids in an honest way. Trust in their resilience. Know that some of this might mean two steps forward and one step back.

Go slow and make a plan

For some of you extroverted types, the impulse might be to get back out there as quickly as possible. Remember that our stamina for some social interaction is not where it was a year ago. Again, be kind to yourself through this. Making a plan for how you will begin to open up your world again may make this process easier. Perhaps you start by visiting a park during a less-trafficked time or go to a grocery store that you know is less busy. These small steps can build into powerful growth. 

Discomfort vs distress

When we are venturing out into the world again, it will be completely normal to have some anxiety. We have trained our brains to avoid certain activities in order to stay safe under exceptional circumstances. We must learn to tolerate some discomfort as we approach the world again. For instance, kids going back to school in-person for the first time may express nervousness. As a parent, you can validate for them that feeling nervous is completely understandable. You might also guess that they feel excited as well. Naming emotions is important, as is normalizing feelings. Your kids are joining so very many others in their cohort who feel similarly.

That said, discomfort is a place we can often learn from, but distress is a completely different beast. There are no hard and fast lines on this. You know your child best. But distress is marked by an inability to cope and feeling overwhelmed. We don’t grow if we don’t work on walking that line between discomfort and distress. This is something to keep in mind as kids return to school, as well. 

When fears come up, think about them and feel them

It is normal to feel some fear as we change behaviors that have become normal over the past year. Be gentle and have compassion with your responses. As you do so, you may also find yourself grieving the losses of the past year, both personally and collectively. The only way out of grief is through it, allowing yourself to have feelings and to move through them. 

Differences between partners

It is understandable that two different parenting partners may have different risk tolerances. It is really important that we treat our partner with respect about his or her fears, anxieties and hopes as we reenter the world. This is an important time to keep talking about your own emotional responses so that you can be more present to support your kids. 

What is the story?

One way we humans heal is by making sense of circumstances we have lived through. For our kids, we can help to give them some structure for this narrative. With my own kids, we went through my photos of the past year to make a photo book. When life is viewed this way, it can become more understandable. 2020 is part of our human story now and it will take time to make sense of what has happened. 

What do we want to keep?

Most of us understand the concept of post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD), in which our hearts and minds and bodies struggle to cope after a traumatic event. Perhaps less well known is the idea of post traumatic growth, wherein we can take the lessons forward from a traumatic event. None of us would wish to have had this tragedy of Covid happen, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find positive parts of it, or find growth out of it. Perhaps there are routines that you might want to keep that have developed over the past year. My hope for you and your family is that you find the possibilities inherent in this moment, while healing from the trauma of this past year. 

Musings on Option B

I now look back to my younger self in late March in wonder at my early pandemic naïveté. Our plans with extended family for an eightieth birthday celebration for my father in law were after much deliberation sadly cancelled. Ever the optimist, I planned a trip to Utah with my little family. We’ll rent a camper van and see the National Parks, thought that version of myself. Then came the lockdown and another change of plans. And…we stayed at home. That’s what we’ve done a lot of over the past nine months—staying local, being with our little family, rolling with what is rather than what we had hoped might be.

Most of us have had to cope with changed plans after changed plans after changed plans in this pandemic year. We have tried to keep spirits up, while also acknowledging the challenges of living in an uncertain world. I’ve tried to emphasize the value of “both/and” thinking—you can feel both incredibly grateful and also feel sad about the losses that have accumulated over this very strange year. 

After Sheryl Sandberg’s husband died suddenly at the age of 47, she wrote a powerful book called Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. She advocates the concept of embracing the new reality, even though it isn’t what we might have chosen for ourselves. She actually calls it “rocking option b,” which I love!  I’ve been thinking about this idea because it allows us to mourn the things that we have missed out on this year, while also embracing the unique gifts of this year. 

One of these gifts presents itself to us this holiday season. Our holiday celebrations will undoubtedly look different this year than they have in years past. We do have an opportunity here to really look at which traditions feel good to us and are worth participating in and which are a lot of work without a lot of joy payoff. We can only do this through allowing ourselves some mental space to be quiet and mindful. But it can be quite a relief to take the pressure off of ourselves that this holiday needs to be just like those that came before it and those that will come after it.

I urge you to think about finding “slivers of joy” this month. How can you allow for some grief for all that we have lost in 2020, while also embracing the unique freedom of “option b”? 

Thoughts on Responsibility and on Joy

I've had conversations with my students this week about the work of raising anti-racist children. Many of us were raised in a time when we were taught to be colorblind, that this was the best way to move forward as a society. Everything that I have read and learned as an adult contradicts this. The truth is that we do notice difference, starting when children are quite young. When we parents do not acknowledge differences, kids learn that this is something that we should not talk about and we may actually attribute more weight to the differences through our inability to discuss them. I would encourage you to check out the chapter in the book Freakonomics about this issue. For very young children, I would encourage you to not shy away from their questions and acknowledgements of all kinds of differences. I would also encourage you to have diverse representations of different people in the your toys, books, media, etc. We cannot always wait for our children to bring up questions around difficult subjects. We must get over our own discomfort (which often means doing our own work first) in order to be there for our kids. 

I wrote the following thoughts before the death of George Floyd, but I think that our appreciation of joy is still important. In fact, it is what can fuel us to do the hard work of dismantling racism that lies ahead.

Many of us have been asking ourselves about surviving vs. thriving. In the short term, it seemed fine to eat junk food, watch a lot of tv, and just get through the day. But now we are seeing no immediate end to the current situation and wondering when that surviving expectation needs to turn to thriving. Maybe we need to shift the question. Maybe our whole days or weeks are not surviving or thriving. Perhaps instead we can look moment to moment. Notice the moments of thriving and savor them. Notice the moments of surviving and feel grateful for those, too.

Each day has some of each feeling—some moments where we are just getting through (sometimes by the mere skin of our teeth) and some where we can expect more from ourselves, where we can be better versions of ourselves. Where we repair and build connections. 

No one thrives all the time. In particular, right now realistic expectations seem important. Notice the moments you are doing well, celebrate them. And in the moments when you find yourself not living up to your expectations, forgive yourself. These are hard times and your are doing good work.

Remember that it’s okay to care about yourself and to care about the world. Again, it’s a both/and not either/or.

It’s okay to seize your joy, to savor it and also to feel deeply the sadness of the moment.

Here are two more reflections on finding joy that I’ve appreciated this week.

The Joy of Imaginary Homesteading in Los Angeles

by Heather Havrilesky

Yesterday, my husband found a large baby bird in our yard. It was the size of a cantaloupe and had gray wings with tendrils of yellow fuzz sticking out of them. Someone online said we should keep it hydrated, so I went outside with a dropper and a jar of water, expecting it to be afraid of me.

Instead, it drank from the dropper several times, and then groomed itself patiently while I sat a few inches away.

By the time my husband returned from the neighbor’s house to ask if they were missing a baby chicken, I was already daydreaming about building a hutch and collecting eggs every morning. The neighbor said the bird was a baby pigeon. They had a pigeon already, and they’d be happy to adopt another one.

I guess they saved me from the humiliation of a summer spent hoping my baby pigeon would lay eggs soon.

But that humbling feels like an appropriate corrective for someone who spends so many hours daydreaming about living off cherry tomatoes during a pandemic. I’m also growing basil and sage in containers on the driveway in front of our garage. Yesterday, I baked cinnamon rolls and made pierogi from scratch. Today I’ll plant flower seeds and green beans and make cheese bread. I also have a book to write, but I’m not doing much of that.

My baking and cultivating amounts to a bourgeois distraction at a time when 135 million are facing food shortages. I should be saving every cent to feed the homeless instead. I should be teaching my kids to sew their own clothes, not so we can share a group hallucination of some “Little House on the Prairie” lifestyle, but so we’ll stop buying unnecessary junk and save our extra money for the people who will die without it.

Sometimes it feels like all joy leads back to guilt and darkness right now. I have to remind myself that calming activities and even distractions are necessary for balance, to steel myself for the long road ahead. I can still be pragmatic and prepare to be of service. It’s not self-indulgent to hoard joy itself. If that means I end up trying to coax a driveway into the shape of a tiny farm, so be it. I’m going to try to relish every spot of sunshine I can find.

Joy Is Not Made To Be A Crumb

by Mary Oliver

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate.

Give in to it.

There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be.

We are not wise, and not very often kind.

And much can never be redeemed.

Still, life has some possibility left.

Perhaps this is its way of fighting back,

that sometimes something happens better than all the riches or power in the world.

It could be anything,

but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins.

Anyway, that’s often the case.

Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty.

Joy is not made to be a crumb.

Screentime in a Global Pandemic

In my family, we’ve always allowed unlimited screen time during two specific times: when you’re on an airplane and when you’re sick. We’re adding a third circumstance to that list: when you’re stuck at home during a pandemic.

Under the best of circumstances, screen time is something parents worry about a lot. This, in short, is not the best of times. 

So, how do we mitigate our guilt and the potential harmful effects with our kids? Here are some ideas.

1. Think about the quality of the media consumed

There is good content, bad content and then there is harmful content. I think of bad content as something mindless and distracting, not nurturing but not educational or soothing like good content. Harmful content increases our anxiety, often by stimulating our nervous systems in ways with which we cannot properly cope. 

For little kids, be conservative in the types of media that they are taking in. Think PBS kids shows and Mr. Rogers. Mr. Rogers (the original) was purposefully shot in a way that mimicked real life, without fancy jump cuts or disorientingly fast images. If you are bored by the content, that’s probably a good sign that it is appropriate for a small child.

Use this rule for your own media usage as well. Think about consuming media that helps to slow your stress response. Our overwhelmed systems simply can’t handle intense input right now in the way that they normally might be able to. 

I love commonsensemedia.com for helping to discern what is in the media we let our kids consume. You might also want to check it out before family movie nights. Sometimes the way we remember movies from our own childhood is significantly more benign that what they really are.

2. What makes a whole life?

There is nothing wrong with media being part of a full and healthy life. What we are in danger of currently is letting it take over our whole lives. As long as older kids are still doing their school work, getting outside, helping around the house and connecting with friends and family members, increased screen time seems perfectly appropriate to me right now. 

With little kids, this gets trickier, mostly because they are less capable of independent activity and thus you as a parent/caregiver may be feeling burnt out with all of the demands placed upon your right now. It is okay to use screen time for your children in order to give your self a break. This is not a time to shame ourselves about anything, let alone screen time. 

3. Passive vs. active media

Passive screen time is watching content that does not require anything from us; we are pure consumers. Active screen time is media such as games, puzzles, interactions with family and friends through FaceTime or Zoom.

It does appear that if we are looking to have our kids learn through screen time, then active screen time fulfills that task much better than passive screen time does. 

I would wholeheartedly recommend engaging your kids in screen activities that help them to interact with family, friends and peers. This can lift everyone’s spirits, maintain intergenerational connections, and help us to feel less alone and apart than we might otherwise feel 

That said, I have heard from some parents that their little ones are having trouble with screen time. It’s so hard to explain to the little ones the difference between "seeing" people online vs. real life. I have heard from others that it is disregulating to their little ones to do zoom and then go back to normal life. If you’ve experienced that challenge, I think what I would do is to continue to do zoom/FaceTime with buddies and family. See if it gets easier with time or continues to be challenging to reenter real life afterwards. If it is a continued struggle, maybe put it away for a week or so and then try again. Remember that they are growing quickly and their capacity to understand this distinction will increase with maturity.

4. Your Values and the Transition Back to Normal

We are living in a unique time and our approach to media right now can be different than it was before and the way it will be after. There is so much repair that will need to happen both individually and as a society when this intense time is over. I would propose revisiting your family’s values about screen time with your parenting partner when that time comes. There may well be some heavy push back from your kids when you start limiting screen time again. That said, I’ll personally welcome that battle when it comes!

Parenting in the Age of Coronavirus

Parenting is a sprint. You wake up at full attention and follow little people around all day from one activity to another. Your body is a punching bag, a car ramp, a medical experiment. 

Parenting is also a slog. There are long periods of playing cars on the floor, of Candyland, of counting doggies in a poster. You are present some ways, yes, and sometimes, not. That’s the way it has to be to get through the day in the best of times.

These are not the best of times. There is fear, leaching into our daily worlds. Coming into our children’s bedrooms, and definitely the parks and playgrounds, the schools and, god forbid, other people’s homes. 

Things we thought kept us surviving have been whipped away overnight. There goes getting together with your friends, the people who understand this delicate balance of love and attention and annoyance that make up your days. You never got to finish a sentence when you spoke with them, but they were there, right there next to you.

Yes, we have virtual worlds. That is something. But they don’t hold you when you cry because you haven’t had a full night’s sleep in days, month, years. They won’t wipe your kids disgusting nose because, why not? They’re wiping their own kid’s anyways. 

We have worked hard to make community, to lighten this heavy load. And now that community has shifted and feels tenuous as well. Who are we now? 

We are still something, something good. We can give each other a different normal. That overused phrase, a new normal. We can still celebrate the triumph of getting through a day. And also, the triumph of really being present in a moment, even if it’s just one moment, even if it’s fleeting.  

We can know that our kids are watching far too much tv, that we are frayed and cranky, that siblings will fight (but god, no blood, no need for the ER for sure), that partners may well bear the brunt of some of our frustration, that we will not follow the homeschooling chart that we downloaded so diligently (because that is how we parent shame ourselves apparently in the age of coronavirus).

But also…

We can undertake elaborate baking projects, get out those weeds in the garden, go through the baby photos, sort through the old clothes to donate, maybe plant some seeds, play a board game, watch (a lot of) movies, read some books, play umpteen games of chase with the patient (for now) dog. Because we have time. Far too much of it now. Why is that the way life seems to go? That we always have far too much or far too little. Never that “just right.” 

But there is wisdom in the letting go. In the sinking into these days. There is no other choice, really. There is just the now, the right now, and the remembering that there will be another day and another, and some day this will be different again. Because that is how life works. Time passes and things change. 

We’re going to come out of this different, changed, marked. Can we be marked well? Can we be changed beautifully? Can we be different in our resilience, in our connectivity, in our larger awareness? Can we still be connected even with social distancing? Can I feel that your pain is mine? That the work we are doing has meaning and purpose and joy, even in the midst of the pain and boredom? 

Can my sprint be yours? Can your slog be mine? Do you feel our connection even when I can’t sit beside you? Please try. I will, too. 

Thinking about Early Childhood

Thoughts on Early Childhood (written for my cooperative preschool parents, but true for all of those who are loving, living with or working with young children)

What can be hard for us when talking and thinking about early childhood (both education and parenting) is that because we don’t remember our own early childhoods, we assume that this time of life isn’t that important.

And yet, most of us feel in our hearts that this tender time is meaningful, that just because something becomes invisible (or not outwardly visible) doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter.

In fact, therapists have known that those early years form us irrevocably—that the trauma experienced in this stage of life will not be erased even as our memories fade. Similarly, the deep care and attachment we experience will have lasting effects.

The amazing thing now is that brain science has shown us this very same thing. What happens to us in early childhood both forms and changes our brains. Neural pathways are laid that we will reckon with throughout the rest of our lives.

I deeply believe that the work you are doing in your families and the work that we are doing in this community is incredibly important. We are laying the groundwork here for your children’s experiences of learning, of curiosity, of safety in the world around them, and of relationships with peers and loving adults.

So, when people tell me that they feel heartsick that all of the experiences that have considered so carefully as they raise their kids—exposures to people and places, late, late nights of comfort and care to sleepless and sick children, and so much more—I try to gently remind them that all of this is in there, inside the brains and bodies of their little children. There is no cause without effect—all that you do goes into their formation.

Instead, I say that early childhood is the very source of the rest of our lives, the template for our future experiences. We are doing hard and important work here at school and in our homes.

We will mess up and we will triumph, too. That is part of raising little humans. I personally can’t imagine more important, meaningful work!

Some Thoughts on Fall

It’s been a funny fall in the Pacific Northwest. Summer ended abruptly and fall crashed down hard with chilly and rainy days. As someone born in California, I fully come alive in Seattle’s bright sunny long summer days. I feel like there is a frenetic energy in my neighborhood, when we can easily be outside past nine at night enjoying our fantastic weather.

Then, around September, I begin to feel the days shortening and the weather turning. When I drive my kids to soccer practice in the evenings, it is often already dark. I feel the urge to stay at home, cuddled on the couch with my dogs, reading  a book and eating chocolate. That’s the sweet side of fall for me. The hard side is that my mood often takes a hit. I feel some wariness about the onset of dark days and the winter to come. Seattle can be tough come January, when the light is brief and a low gray cloud hangs over the city all day long. I don’t dislike the blustery, changeable days of autumn, I just feel trepidation about the dark winter to come.

After living in Seattle for twenty years, I have tried different strategies as fall comes on. I do feel anticipation for the first days of school. I am lucky enough to work at a preschool and I love the excitement of seeing little children and their parents adjust to a new community or be welcomed back by their teachers and friends. 

I am Jewish which means that fall brings the High Holidays. These solemn days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur ask us to reflect on our lives, the good and the bad acts that we have done over the past year. We are to ask for forgiveness from others, from God, and from ourselves. This ritual and the beautiful melodies and liturgy of the holidays has become a deeply soothing and reinvigorating part of the fall for me.

This year, in anticipation of the change of seasons, I read a book called Cozy by Isabel Gillies. In her book, Gillies talks about what brings her comfort and coziness, speaking in-depth about even the small things that bring her joy. But her main point is that we each individually need to do the work to discover the things that make us happy. We might feel some societal pressure to enjoy pumpkin spice lattes, so it might take some tuning into our own pleasure to discover that we actually prefer hot apple cider. Similarly, I have a friend who loves snow sports. When it is raining in Seattle, she reminds herself that this means more snow for her to enjoy on her weekend getaways in the mountains. 

Because I work with new parents, often those with little babies, I am always asking them to think about self care. Part of self care is mindfulness, tuning in to your own experience. Because new parents often have less time to themselves, this time needs to be spent doing the things that bring maximum coziness for this individual. Often, new parents are so tired and worn down, that they can’t remember what brought them joy before having kids, and whether that has changed or not in the time since.

I think about Marie Kondo’s famous book and that the part I most resonated with is asking the question which objects “spark joy” in our houses and keeping only those. Self-care can be approached the same way. Which activities, people, and spaces spark your own joy? How can you add more of these pleasures into your life? How can you more deeply value your coziness in this change of seasons?

Leaping into the Unknown: Preparing for Kindergarten and Other Life Transitions

This fall, my son began middle school, moving from a school of one hundred kids to one that has over one thousand. I did my best to anticipate the challenges that lay ahead for him, and hoped that my anxiety about the transition wouldn’t cause his own to escalate. One of the most important things that we can do for our kids is to help contain our own intense feelings about their experiences so that our children can experience their lives with some feeling of independence and self-confidence. If my feelings about his transition became the family’s focus point, I would take something away from his experience.

That said, it is normal to have strong feelings as a parent when we know our children are facing new challenges. I try to balance being authentic about my feelings with showing equanimity and confidence in my children’s ability to succeed in life. I want them to know that I stand behind them one hundred percent in times when they are triumphing as well as when they need my help.

As a parent educator in cooperative preschool classrooms, I am often asked about kindergarten readiness. Sometimes these questions start entirely too young in my humble opinion. No parent should need to be worried about kindergarten when her child is two years old! I do believe, however, that being prepared emotionally and practically will go a long way in helping a whole family transition successfully to a new school and a new phase of life.

Some children move into kindergarten from a daycare within which they have spent time since they were infants. Others may have attended no preschool or very little hours of organized schooling. Regardless, we can help our children to feel calm and confident by trusting in their own ability to succeed. As parents, this is one of many times in our children’s lives in which we must believe in our child’s healthy growth. We must also trust the strength of our attachment to our child and know that they will seek out comfort and support from us.

Our children will look to us for stability in any major life transition. Make sure that you are taking good care of yourself and your own feelings. Seek out friends and experiences that help you to feel secure and confident. If you are considering different school options, then talk to friends, research online, go visit schools in person and talk to people there. Most importantly, check in with yourself about what helps and what makes you feel worse. Remember that your experience will affect your child’s experience.

As much as possible, avoid black or white thinking. There is no wrong choice here—whether you are choosing a school or choosing whether to start kindergarten or wait a year. These are different paths that all lead to good places. There may be situations when you need to assess and correct as you go, perhaps even changing schools if the first one ends up not being a great fit, but your child has an active and involved parent already. This is most strongly correlated with child success, more than anything else. 

As you move through the year leading up to kindergarten, stay attuned to your child in the school process. This may shift with time. You are dealing with a moving target as your child grows. Your child is on his own unique developmental journey, so try not to compare him with other children. Your child is unfolding and developing in the exact right way for him. Talking candidly with your child’s preschool is a great way to get a read on her readiness for kindergarten. They have seen it all and have great knowledge of what helps kids to succeed. They may let you know that your child is advanced in one area and needs more support in another. This is normal. Nowadays, kindergarten readiness is at least as much about social emotional maturity as about academic skills. Schools and teachers are thinking about whole child, how to support and nurture her intellectually, socially, emotionally, and beyond. 

Every family is unique. This is a fantastic time to sit down with your partner and ask yourselves what are you looking for in a school experience. What do you think would feel good for your child and family? What parts of your own education experience would you like to be the same or different for your child? What practical aspects do you need to consider vs. perfect world scenarios (e.g. commuting? child care needs?).

When you visit a school ask yourselves more questions. How do you feel about this place? Can you imagine your family there? Does it feel comfortable? Especially with elementary school, the comfort of parents/family unit really matters. This is a great time to have a bigger picture discussion with your partner about your family values for this particular child, realizing that he is his own unique person and may be very different from his parents and/or his siblings. Stay curious about your unique child and what she may need in kindergarten and beyond. 

The more calm and collected you are able to be through this process the more your child will be able to have his own experience. Children are so attuned to a parent’s experience. If you don’t freak out, they may not either! One tip is to be neutral in language, “We’re looking at some different school choices for you for kindergarten. You are going to look at some of them, too. The grownups choose the best place for a kid to go to school, but you can tell us what you think, for sure!” Make sure that the child knows that you are in charge that you will make this decision. Positive discipline teaches us that a child will feel most secure with loving limits, with knowing a secure, calm adult is in charge. Try to enjoy the ride, you and your child are in for great adventures in kindergarten and beyond!

Mindful Parenting

Picture this holiday moment: you’re getting in the car to attend a long-awaited holiday event when things quickly go south. One child is writhing in her car seat, refusing to be buckled in. The other child is whining loudly about her itchy dress. Suddenly, the magic and wonder of the season is eclipsed by the very real challenges of parenting young children.

The cool we may struggle to maintain during ordinary days can be more tested during the often chaotic, holiday season. One tool we can use to maintain a calm mind during stressful times is mindfulness.

Mindfulness is defined as a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. That’s all it is! Not, some major commitment to meditation or any time-consuming, complex process.

And, yet… Is this very idea even possible while being a parent? By necessity, we must plan ahead, project into the future, think about scheduling of naps, eating, and play dates. Are being a parent and being in the moment at odds with each other? While being a mindful parent is definitely challenging at times, and is definitely not possible all of the time, it is definitely possible sometimes and helpful to practice.

What does it look like with your child? Allow your child to fully lead you in play without holding back or guiding. Your job is to watch, listen and respond in the moment. Catch the spirit of their play and dive in. You may feel bored or restless or be thinking about the other things you need to do. But catch yourself in that moment, without judgment and then go back again to the moment you are in.

Part of the point is practicing non-judgment, allowing yourself to just be, without correction or adjustment to what you think you “should” be doing instead. This is a powerful practice and also builds connection between you and your child. But, it can be really challenging depending on your personal tolerance for boredom and lack of control. So, perhaps this is best practiced while giving yourself a time boundary. Say, 15 or 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to get lost in your child’s world. This can be really valuable time!

On your own, mindfulness can look like meditation, prayer, going through a breathing exercise, or being in nature. The key is practicing being fully present. Again, when you drift back to your “to do” list or to a worry, bring yourself back to the moment, without judgment. Practice dealing lightly and gently with your “monkey mind.” This is a wonderful Buddhist term meaning "unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable” i.e. how many of us spend far too much of our time! Try dealing with this “monkey mind” with humor. You can gently say to yourself, “There it is again, taking over. Now, let’s go back to finding the present.”

Some ideas for practicing personal mindfulness include:

• Meditation classes, yoga classes, prayer groups or religious services

• Meditation apps for your phone—offering very brief to longer guided meditations

• Turning off your phone. In our busy, noisy world, this can be a radical choice. Some people have a technology hiatus on a regular basis during each day or during the week. This also teaches us self-restraint and models full attention for our kids.

• Practice doing a task with full attention, whether it be the dishes, the laundry, gardening, walking or running. Try not to let your mind go other places but be fully present in the moment.

• Sometimes, the most simple opportunity is the best. Practice taking a few seconds to breathe fully and deeply with your eyes closed, giving focus to your breath at different points during the day. Some people choose to do this as they enter and leave the car to create a regular practice.

The holiday season is undoubtedly a special time of year, when we revisit old traditions and nurture new ones. But, it is also a time of busy schedules and high expectations. This holiday season, I hope you find some of these tools helpful in maintaining your calm so you can really enjoy this special time with family and friends.

Parents Have Tantrums, Too!

It’s true! Our kids aren’t the only ones who have tantrums. It may sound funny to say so, but of course parents will sometimes lose control and express their anger in ways they regret. No matter how hard we try and keep it together, staying calm and avoiding anger, we are human and we will make mistakes.

In our own idealized version of parenthood, we would stay consistently kind, loving and calm. Yet, can you think of anyone in your life that you could be with as much as you are with your kids without them sometimes driving you crazy? Plus, as parents we feel responsible for raising good people, which means we cannot give in to our child’s every whim. Every parent needs strategies and tools to help them to deal with the intense and rewarding work of raising children. Here are five tips that I hope you find useful.

Fill Up Your Own Tank

Often, as parents we put our own needs last. Sadly, this can lead to burnout and short tempers. It is important to take your own needs seriously and build some time for yourself into your family’s routine. On an everyday basis, take time to find moments of pleasure and joy, taking time to slow down. This can mean practicing deep breathing, going for a walk, or taking a nap. Sometimes it means not doing a household chore because you need to charge your own battery instead.

Parents also need the support of other caring adults. You know the people who you feel better after talking to—seek out those people—and try to avoid those who make you feel bad about yourself. Making yourself vulnerable to others and acknowledging your parenting challenges can feel hugely relieving and reassuring. Shame is the worst because it eats away at us and makes us feel isolated. Try to remember that things are always changing as a parent. Your child is developing and growing every day, and so are you! Hang on and things will shift soon enough.

Understand Your Brain

Dr. Dan Siegel has a powerful way of looking at your brain called “the brain in the palm of your hand.” Your flat hand stands for your brain. Your palm from hand to wrist is your primitive brain, controlling automatic functions like breathing and heart beat. If you fold your thumb over your palm, that stands for your midbrain. This is the part of your brain that responds to danger with a fight or flight response. It also controls old memories. Finally, if you curl your fingers over your thumb, this stands for the thinking and problem solving part of your brain, including your self-control.

When you get angry, the higher part of your brain flips up, exposing your fight or flight response, and you have no capacity to solve problems or find empathy. You literally lose the ability to use your high order brain when you are triggered.

This is important remember because resolving a conflict is really impossible during when you are upset and you may do things or say things that you will regret later when you have calmed down and your brain is restored to its proper working order.

You can actually teach this language to kids. When you feel yourself getting angry, tell you kids that your lid is flipped and your brain isn’t working well. You need some time to yourself to calm down. You can use the same strategy when your kids are losing it, but it is more powerful when you model it as well! The trick is to recognize when your lid is flipped and to get help or find some space to calm down and regroup.

Use Mindfulness, Whatever That Means To You

Mindfulness is a tool we can use to build a healthy brain. It does not need to mean having a dedicated, time-consuming meditation practice. Instead, busy parents can find ways throughout their day to slow down, breathe, and tune out the chatter of the outside world. Mindfulness is defined as the state of being conscious or aware, focusing one’s awareness on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. You can practice just being, without trying to change anything.

Find Empathy

It can be helpful to imagine your child’s point of view. What does it feel like to be her? What might she be thinking or feeling? A shift of perspective can help us to see the situation in an entirely new way or find a new way of dealing with an ongoing challenging situation. We must try and remember that our children are not just extensions of us and may have very different ways of being in the world. This offers a wonderful opportunity for parents to shift their perspective and find practice seeing the world in a new way.

Repair

Of course you will make mistakes in parenting your children—you are a human after all! What is important is remembering that the act of coming back and repairing a relationship after a negative interaction can actually strengthen that relationship. You gain credibility with your kids by admitting when you have acted badly and saying that you are working on yourself. This teaches kids that even adults have challenges and that we care enough about our relationship with them to work on doing better in the future. When we take responsibility of our mistakes, we also show our kids that no one is perfect and we model how to handle conflict in a constructive way.

But, it is important to remember that we can only repair when we have time to regroup and calm down. We can’t access the logical or empathetic parts of our brain when we are flooded or flipped.

We are also unable to repair until we forgive ourselves. This, also, is a powerful lesson our kids need to learn. We can make mistakes without being a bad person. We can forgive ourselves and move forward.

Developing Your Parenting Roadmap

A Tale of Two New Moms

I’ve been thinking recently about two types of moms I encounter in my work as a parent educator and parent coach. The first is well-aware that she has been lucky in life. She has been raised by loving, supportive (though, of course, imperfect) parents who continue to support her as she herself becomes a parent. When she becomes a mom though she is still shocked by how hard it is and how challenging the needs of her newborn can feel.

The second mom had a harder start in life than the first. She was raised by parents who were not emotionally available or perhaps even abusive. She has limited ties with her family of origin and has worked hard to build a good life for herself. When she becomes a parent she has little practical support and feels overwhelmed by the adjustment to becoming a mom. She really wants to be a good parent to her child, but isn’t sure what that attachment should look or feel like because she didn’t get it herself as a child. She is parenting without a roadmap. She has a vision for how she wants it to feel to be a good parent, but without any idea of how to get there.

What can we learn from these two scenarios? First, that being a parent is just plain hard for almost everyone! Second, that our backgrounds directly influence our own ability to parent with confidence and presence. Research shows us that attachment between parent and child is strongest when parents have the capacity to be reflective both about their current emotional states and about their own past. Parents who make the decision to do their own emotional work—taking stock of what their own childhood relationships were like and what kind of effect they had on the adult they’ve become—are more likely to be emotionally aware and present in their relationships with their own children.

The desire to connect with our children, to see them and love them as they are while providing boundaries and security, is almost universal. Here are some ideas about how to build your roadmap for the relationship you want to have with your kids.

Find Role Models

Spend some time thinking about the qualities you most want to pass on to your children and what kind of values you must inhabit in order for this to happen. You can think back to your own childhood and what your parents did and did not do well. What traditions and ways of being from your own childhood do you want to pass on and which do you want to leave behind?

It is also important to realize that you can find role models all around you. Who were the people who helped and nurtured you as a child and and as an adult? What qualities did they have? You can look to your parenting peers and notice what they do well and how they do it. This is not meant as a comparison but as a way to help you to learn new parenting skills.

These role models do not even have to be people you know. Many parents look to historical or contemporary figures for parenting inspiration. It is really the noticing and attempt at integrating these qualities into your own life that matter most. I know one young mother who is purposefully modeling her parenting on the loving firmness of that famous Cosby mom, Claire Huxtable!

Find a Narrative for Your Own Children

Finding a narrative for your children, of course, means that you have to find a narrative that makes sense of your past for yourself first. What parts of your past, both good and bad, have made you who you are? What unique qualities do you inhabit because of your own life experiences? What qualities do you most want to pass on to your children and how do you think you can go about giving them the opportunities to learn them?

Some parents with challenging backgrounds seek out a therapist to process what happened in their childhoods. Others plunge into reading and journalling to make sense out of the past. Finding your own way to create meaning can help you to move forward in your life. Many parents come to the realization that their own parents did the best they could with the resources they had at the time. Our feelings about our childhoods are not stagnant, they do indeed change over time, but the point is that these feelings need to be sorted through and processed in order for us to be free to create positive relationships with our own children.

Recent research has shown that children who know about their own family histories are more resilient in the face of their own life challenges. The most beneficial family narrative is called an oscillating narrative, wherein children are told that their families have had hard times and have had good times but have managed to get through challenges together. The children who are told this narrative report a higher sense of control over their own lives, a higher sense of family connection, and higher self-esteem.

The story you have to tell your child about your family history may not be all positive. But if you can find some points of pride to connect your child with the story, it doesn’t have to be all rosy. There is much to be proud of in how we deal with the challenges that life throws our way. It can be powerful to show your child the ways that we build resilience and grit in this life.

Imagine Your Future

This is where some long-range thinking comes into play. Imagine your child as a young adult talking to a new friend about his family of origin. How would you like him to think about his own childhood? What words and values would you hope that he would use to describe the home life you created for him?

Some families even create a manifesto or motto for their family. With older kids, this can be a fun family activity. Ask your children to brainstorm the words and phrases and feelings that best represent your family. You can then craft this into a phrase or paragraph that really epitomizes your family’s “best self.” The point isn’t that we always live up to that way of being but that we are actively trying and reaching for this point of inspiration.

No matter where your own journey started, you have the capacity to parent wholeheartedly, providing your children with the loving limits they so desperately need. I wish you luck on developing your own roadmap and on all the adventures that lie ahead for you as a parent!

Resources:

The Stories that Bind Us, New York Times, March 13, 2013

DEVELOPING A STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD (Part 1)

Parenthood can be an amazing journey! As our babies grow and develop, we see them becoming the people they are meant to be. Our job as parents is to foster that growth and development, giving love and nurturance along with guidance and limits.

As our children’s personalities unfold, it can be a humbling experience for a parent. Sometimes we may watch in awe as they show a particular skill, talent, or personality trait that surprises us pleasantly. Other times, we may see parts of who they are that we want to fix or even suppress.

As we look for ways to connect with our children, we need to shift the focus towards creating a lifelong relationship based on trust and secure attachment. We may try and help them to cope with more challenging parts of who they are, but we must also realize that their life will be their own unique journey. We cannot solve the struggles our children will have in life. In the long-term, the best we can hope for is that they will use us as a sounding board, trusting our advice and counsel, and come to us when they need support. So, how can we help build this kind of relationship—one that is mutually satisfying and fulfilling? In this two-part article, we will look at several factors that are key in your parental relationship. First, we will look at your own history, discovering who your child is, and temperament. In the next part, we will look at attachment and communication

Look at Your Own Past

As I wrote about in my last blog article, Developing Your Parenting Roadmap, parents need to take the time to get clear on their own past in order to help their children. Parents who know themselves and their own story are more likely to raise securely attached children. Some questions you might ask your self include: Have I done my own work on my past? Have I decided what I want to bring forward from my own childhood and what I want to leave behind? What did I get and not get from my own parents? Am I at least somewhat at peace with my own parents? Have I figured out how to manage my relationship with them while focusing on my relationship with my new family?

Having some clarity about your past will help you to move forward in your relationship with your child. Knowing who you are and where you come from will help inform and enrich your own parenting.

Who is Your Child?

You’ve looked at who you are and where you came from, now look closely at your own child. Your child is different from you, a unique individual with unique gifts and challenges.

Find the time and space to be curious about her. Who is she? Who might she become? What are her strengths and challenges? This information will be useful to you in helping to support her throughout her lifetime.

At the same time, try not to be rigid. Children grow and develop, sometimes incredibly quickly. Try to hold your ideas about your child lightly and not pigeon hole children into certain roles in the family. It is important that we are all allowed to express all the parts of our personalities and not have to conform to a certain role.

Temperament

Temperament is one way of discovering more about who your child is and how that influences your relationship with him. Temperament is the inborn filter through which we experience the world, while personality is seen as more of a mix of nature and nurture. One way of looking at temperament is introversion vs. extroversion. Does your child seem to gain energy by being with other people or by being by himself? How does your child recharge? Of course, this is not a binary measure, but really, we all fall on a continuum of extroversion and introversion.

Another way of looking at temperament is through three categories: easy, difficult, or slow to warm. Children who are easy are very regular, have a positive approach to new situations, and are mostly positive in mood. Children who are difficult or spirited usually approach new situations with a negative affect, don’t handle change very well, and generally have a low frustration tolerance. The last category is children who are slow to warm. They essentially straddle the easy and spirited types, with characteristics from both. They may initially appear reluctant to engage in new situations, but then find their way.

In terms of your relationship with your child, the most important part of temperament may be the concept of “goodness of fit.” This simply means how do your own characteristics work with or against your child’s characteristics. For instance, an extroverted parent may have difficulty understanding an introverted child’s reluctance to enter a chaotic birthday party filled with boisterous children. The adult may see this as a fun, exhilarating event, while her child might see it as overwhelming and scary.

Parents should try and stay aware of their own goodness of fit with their child as they engage in new situations, dealing with any issues that come up with empathy and realistic expectations. You can change what you can and also help to build your child’s resilience and ability to deal with frustration for what you cannot change.

This is a two-part series and next time we will look at two more factors in Building Your Relationship with your Child: Attachment and Communication (Part 2)

BUILDING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD (Part 2): ATTACHMENT & COMMUNICATION

Attachment

Another factor in a strong, healthy parent-child relationship is attachment. Attachment is the ability for a parent to help ensure that a child feels safe, secure, and protected. A child is able to use the parent as a secure base from which they are comfortable exploring the larger world, knowing that he can come back to the parent as he needs her. Many factors influence attachment. As an infant, the child feels overwhelmed by emotions and the parent provides containment for these big feelings. The child then learns that the parent is there for her consistently and that difficult feelings do not need to be avoided. They child seeks comfort from her parent and receives it unconditionally. This is called “organized attachment,” wherein the chid has a predictable sense of comfort from her parents.

Parents can help foster this feeling of attachment by:

•being sensitive to their child’s cues

•accepting the child’s negative and positive emotions

•helping to label emotions, listening empathetically and validating feelings

•cooperating with their child’s desires and rhythms when possible

•remaining emotionally accessible

•showing pleasure in interaction

More information on attachment is available here.

This last factor is a reminder of how powerful it is to find activities that we enjoy doing with our children. Sometimes, we may find ourselves playing with our kids in ways that we wouldn’t choose, simply in order to show our children that we respect and honor their choices. But, finding things to do together that are pleasurable for both individuals also helps to build a strong relationship based on common values and interests. This is particularly valuable when you feel that you are very different kind of person than your child. These shared interests help to make you feel closer.

Communication

Most of us hope to build a relationship with our child in which the child will feel comfortable coming to us for comfort and advice in challenging times. Communication is key to helping a child feel connected to her parent and to imparting a family’s values to a child. When your child comes to you with a problem, try not to dive straight into problem-solving mode. Instead, your job is to help her feel heard. After that, you can ask if she wants help finding solutions. Often kids just want us to listen. If we begin to offer advice, we turn off our compassionate listening ear and often let our own feelings interfere. Take your child’s lead in this.

Model ways of communicating by telling your child about your own life. What were your challenges and triumphs during your day? Some families play a game at dinner time called “roses and thorns” or “highs and lows” wherein each family member has a turn sharing the best and hardest moments of his day. This allows a family to celebrate positive parts of our lives and also to potentially offer empathy for harder times. It also shows our children that lives are made up of good and bad parts, that even adults have challenging times. Most importantly, we model an important value of competency. Believing that our children have what it takes to solve problems will help them to believe in themselves as well.

When it comes to large conversations about challenging issues, my best advice is to start young. Don’t try to tackle challenging topics all at once. Instead, conversations about death, sex, money, religion, drugs and alcohol should all start in a very basic way when children are young and be built upon as children pass through higher developmental stages. You are also building your muscles for more complex conversations later on. It’s easier to keep building on a conversation than to start from ground zero. Also, if you don’t start, kids are more likely to get sensitive information from their peers or media and may feel that they can’t come to you with questions. But first, you must get straight on your own values. Discuss with your partner now how you want to handle certain “big picture” topics so that you can find a middle ground or come from a similar viewpoint in dealing with these topics with your child. That said, I think it is also perfectly acceptable to present kids with the information that good people can have different opinions about these topics. It is fine to impart that there is not one right answer. In this case, we are aiming to encourage an ongoing conversation between you and your child about values and decisions that will affect them their whole lives.

Putting it Together

If I could give parents one piece of advice it would be to trust the relationship you have with your child. Though this relationship is colored by our pasts and histories, it is a different entity than the relationship you had with your own parents. Trust your instincts and that you know your child better than anyone else. You have what it takes inside you to be a wonderful, though imperfect, parent to your unique child.

When we trust the inherent health of this relationship, we are able to handle the challenges that come up in raising our children with more lightness and humor, understanding the enormity of the task before us. We are trying to raise healthy, happy, kind people who will be productive in the world. Don’t underestimate the power of laughing together. And, remember that your child is having her own experience in life and not to take her attempts at independence personally. I wish you a long, enjoyable relationship with your child filled with many joyous times together!

MEDITATIONS FOR BUSY PARENTS

Many of us have the intention to parent mindfully, but our lives are busy and we get swept along with the tide of action and doing. Meditation helps remind a parent to slow down, to notice the world around her, as well as to notice what is going on in her own mind, heart, and body. Perhaps meditation’s finest gift though is the ability to learn about yourself—what agitates you, inspires you, soothes you? You can then take these lessons into your daily life, helping to enrich your relationships in the process. My intent with this article is to give parents some simple ways to introduce a meditation practice into their daily lives.

Mindful Pause

Perhaps the simplest way to integrate mindfulness into your life is to try a mindful pause. Throughout the day, take brief moments to breathe deeply, feeling your body and centering your mind. Some people even put these moments as reminders in their phone. It is simply a way to gather yourself, finding space throughout the day to recenter. One of my students noticed that she had a time for a mindful pause after she had buckled her child into his carseat. After she closed the back door, this student would take the time to breathe deeply with her eyes closed. Knowing that her child was safe, she could use that moment (which is normally lost in the frenzy to get somewhere else) to nurture her body and mind. Best of all, this moment is built into our days at regular intervals, thus encouraging us to pause and breathe regularly throughout the day.

Body Relaxation

Progressive body relaxation is a great meditation to do before bed. When you are lying down, simply scan your body slowly, stopping in at each part of your body, beginning at your toes and moving up to your head. Notice areas of tension and relaxation as you do so. Move slowly, pausing in areas that need more attention. You can also practice tensing your body for a few seconds and then relaxing, noticing how you hold your body and clench muscles, perhaps without even realizing it.

Lovingkindness Meditation

This meditation, also known at Metta, comes from the Buddhist tradition. The practice is simple, but powerful, for many people. You begin by sitting comfortably, breathing easily. You then repeat, either silently or out loud, the following phrases:

May I be happy.

May I be well.

May I be safe.

May I be peaceful and at ease.

You then say the same phrases while thinking of someone whom you love. Then, you say them another time while thinking about someone you feel neutral about. Next, you say them again while thinking about someone you are having difficulty or conflict with. Finally, you end by including all living beings in your wish for happiness, wellness, safety, peace, and ease.

I find it powerful that we are asked to start by paying attention to ourselves, and then asked to move progressively outward. As parents, we often think of others’ needs before our own, but filling up our own tank is so very important! This can also be a wonderful meditation for the moments when we are having a hard time liking our beloved children, for it grounds us in the understanding that as frustrating as parenting can be, we still want the very best for our children.

Mindful Self-compassion

I am a big fan of Dr. Kristin Neff, the researcher who developed the concept of mindful self-compassion. This incredibly useful concept includes three key components. First, we need to find ways to encourage self-kindness in ourselves. We all have moments where we do not measure up to our own expectations, but we must find ways to be gentle with ourselves and to nurture ourselves rather than to criticize ourselves. Second, we can find solace in our common humanity. All human beings suffer, that is part of our human condition. Instead, of fighting against or trying to ignore our challenges, we can find comfort knowing that we are connected to others during hard times. Third, we benefit from mindfulness, from noticing our thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Neff has a particularly powerful exercise called a self-compassion break, which is an interesting meditation to undertake during a challenging time. She asks that we think of a challenging situation, to the point where you can actually feel some discomfort in your mind and body. You then say to yourself:

This is a moment of suffering.

Suffering is a part of life.

Then, put your hands on your heart and say to yourself:

May I be kind to myself.

Meditation Apps

There are many options for meditation apps that you can download to your phone, making it convenient and simple to practice meditation at home, work, or really anywhere! The other appealing thing is that you can find choices that fit your preferences for how long you want to meditate or whether you want to listen to a male or female voice. I recently tried headspace.com and found it quite helpful. This app is free for the first ten sessions, each of which is ten minutes long. After this, you must pay to continue using the service. The app is very user friendly and the meditations are calming and educational. It may prove helpful to sample several apps to find one that fits your own style.

Meditation Classes

Some of you may want to dedicate more time and energy to your meditation practice. You know yourself best, but it may be a wonderful option to look up a multi-week class in beginning mediation or Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. Committing to an ongoing class may help you to delve more deeply into these concepts. You may also consider a yoga class that is more restful and more centered on savasana, the lovely rest at the end of class. Sometimes, moving your body first can help you then be more centered during the quiet rest, making it a more mindful experience.

As you can see, there are many ways to find greater mindfulness in your daily life. I hope that one or more of these options may be of help to you in finding some time to slow down, nurture yourself, and find some peace of mind in your challenging and fulfilling journey as a parent!

Resources:

Dr. Kristin Neff’s Mindful Self-Compassion website

Headspace Mediation App

More Information About Lovingkindness Meditation

More Information About Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)

Money & Kids: What's a Parent to Do?

“Mommy, I want that one!” “I have to have the new Ninjago set!” “You’re mean for not getting me those Pokemon cards.” “Every kid at school has an American Girl doll except for me!” A simple trip to the store can become a minefield when you cross into the toy section with a young child. We may vacillate between giving in to the request or denying it, but often without any deep thought or introspection about how and what we want to teach our children about money. Many of us well-meaning parents can get a bit flummoxed when it comes to dealing with money and kids.

Fortunately, Ron Lieber recently wrote a fantastic book called The Opposite of Spoiled which offers a common-sense, moderate approach to this often overwhelming topic. In this article, I will use both Mr. Lieber’s concepts and those taken from Positive Discipline to help parents find a way to pass on a healthy, less complicated relationship with money to their kids.

What Do You Believe?

As with any potentially challenging conversation, it is your job as a parent to get straight on your own values first. If you are parenting with a partner, this is a great opportunity to take time to discuss openly your values about money. Since money is often a huge challenge in relationships, it is important to find some common ground and to try and understand where your partner is coming from.

Many of us have complicated relationships with money that began in our own family of origin. If we do not choose to examine and understand these early experiences they can often come up unbidden in the way we parent our children. As with so many hot-button parenting issues, the goal is to be clear and mindful about what values we want to bring forward from our own pasts and which we want to leave behind. This is only possible if we are willing to undertake some level of introspection.

Model Your Values

Next, as Lieber discusses in his book, your job is to model your values. You can really only do this once you are clear on your family’s values towards money. If your family believes in helping others financially, then talk to your children when you write checks to a charity. If you believe in doing work for others, find opportunities to involve your children in packaging food for a food bank. If you believe that children should do work around the house to contribute to the family, then make explicit your expectations for them.

Our children are wonderfully observant creatures, but they also need values made clear to them. Include them in conversations about money—think about what things and experiences your family values, ask for their opinions on how to spend “extra” money, and show them that you want to encourage them to ask questions about money. Even when this can be uncomfortable for parents, it can be helpful for kids to learn concrete lessons about money through actually knowing how much things cost and how your family budgets. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about specifics, you can always respond with, “Why do you ask?” Lieber suggests that this question when asked with warmth and love can actually uncover wonderful information about how and what kids need to learn to help them.

Allowance or Not?

Kids need to have some of their own money in order to learn firsthand how to handle it responsibly. I have found that for my own family and many of the families I work with the most effective way to do this is to have a set amount of money that is given to kids each month. This is not a reward or an incentive, but simply a given. Then, when kids want little things at the store you can ask if they want to use their own money for it. That’s often an easy way to see what really matters to them! In addition, if they want a larger item, you can show them how many months it would take to save their allowance to buy that item.

As I mentioned, this amount of money is not tied to chores. I encourage parents to have certain chores/expectations around the house for their children. These chores are just about being part of a family where everyone helps out. These can be basic chores that are age appropriate, such as setting the table, taking out the trash, feeding the dog, etc. In addition, you can offer extra chores that go above your normal expectations and offer compensation beyond the normal allowance for completion of those chores. Some kids are very motivated to earn extra cash and it’s important that these money-earning chores are beyond the normal expectations of your household.

Often, parents will use a spend/save/give system to help kids structure where their money goes. The idea is that kids should divide up the money they get from their allowance into three distinct categories. Some parents even offer kids additional interest on the money they save to incentivize this process. Other parents may offer an additional amount of money at the holidays or at a child’s birthday to be given to a charity of the child’s choices. This can be an excellent opportunity to show children the wide range of people and organizations involved in helping people, animals, and the environment.

The Opposite of Spoiled

Ron Lieber has very clear ideas about what makes a child spoiled. In his view, spoiled kids have few chores or responsibilities, have few rules that govern their behavior, have parents and others who lavish them with time and assistance, and have lots of material possessions. Part of our job as parents is to help kids in discerning between their needs and wants. It is fine to enjoy giving your child lovely material possessions and experiences, but it is also important that they know the feeling of not getting everything they want, and especially in not getting everything they want right when they want it. As they grow up, our children will benefit incredibly from having the ability to defer immediate gratification.

A Few More Big Thoughts

For many of us, money brings up big feelings, such as anxiety, guilt, embarrassment, envy, self-doubt, shame, relief and more. It is our job as parents to try to get beyond these uncomfortable feelings and give our kids a sense of security and reality about money. In the end, Lieber offers an enviable goal for parents: to give our kids the “perspective to know why they may have more than most people in the world but will probably never have more than every one of their peers.” In addition, he eloquently states, that there is “no shame in having more or having less, as long as you are grateful for what you have, share it generously with others, and spend it wisely on the things that make you happiest.” It is in this space of gratitude and self-awareness that most of us will find the most happiness about our financial situations. What a gift this perspective would be to pass on to our children!

Some Questions To Think About:

• Have your kids asked questions about money? How have you answered them? How have you felt as you answered them? What is your comfort level in taking with your kids about money?
• Do you fear your child’s questions about money? Why or why not?
• Do you and your spouse have similar feelings/values about money?
• How was money handled in your family of origin? What worked? What didn’t?
• How transparent do you hope to be regarding money with your kids? How would you handle it if your ten year old asked you how much money you made?
• Do you worry about raising spoiled kids? How do you safeguard against this?

Check it out:

The Opposite of Spoiled

By Ron Lieber

WHEN A FAMILY PET DIES: HOW YOU CAN HELP YOUR KIDS DEAL WITH GRIEF & LOSS

When my family’s thirteen-year-old retriever mix Sadie died this September, I was struck by the dual nature of my own grief. On the one hand, I mourned my loving, neurotic girl who had been with my husband and me since before we had children. On the other hand, I was also quite worried about my children’s reactions to her death. Sadie had simply always been around. As we looked back at family pictures, there was Sadie snuggled up next to my newborns, trotted out alongside the kids on their first day of school photos and dressed up as a Halloween pumpkin along with the kids in their costumes. My children had never known a life without our family dog.

As a parent educator and as someone with an extensive clinical background in children’s grief and loss, I knew that this experience could provide a powerful experience of growth and development for my kids. I often counsel parents about how important it is to allow children to grieve for pets. This was a much better first grief experience for my kids than losing a grandparent or other human family member. And yet, my first reaction was to hide from my kids’ grief. I felt a decided impulse to run out and adopt a puppy from the animal shelter! Anything to avoid the difficult feelings I knew would come up. But instead, our family dug in, working through this challenging time together. Here are some tips to help your family if you are facing a similar situation.

Do Your Own Work

Many of us adults have had varied experiences of our own with death by the time we get to be parents. Every death you experience brings up the past deaths you’ve grieved. In order to help our children grieve in a healthy manner, we must take care of ourselves first. This means being aware of our different feelings, finding outlets for own grief, and being capable of holding our children’s grief.

It is absolutely fine for kids to see you being sad! But, you should also be able to offer them security and comfort. So, if you are feeling distant or preoccupied with your own sadness, remember to reach out to them. You might help them to understand what you are feeling, thus giving them the opportunity to experience empathy.

Give Developmentally Appropriate Information

Our family was lucky in the sense that our dog was quite old when she died. Her health had been failing over the past couple of years which had provided the opportunity to prepare the kids a bit for what was to come. I am a big fan of the book Lifetimes, which calmly and soothingly introduces the reader to different animals, stating what they are, what they do in their lifetime, and how long their lifespan generally lasts. The repetition in this book makes clear to kids that every creature has an amount of time that they live. Every body has a life cycle, and when bodies grow old they don’t work well anymore and eventually they stop working and they die.

I would encourage you to use this kind of language in talking to your children about death. It is important that children, even young children, are told that death is final. Euphemisms are not helpful in this context as young children are quite literal. Saying that the dog is sleeping is confusing. It is important to be clear and factual so that children know that once an animal has died, he or she will not be waking back up. We will not get to play with him or her again, but we will get to remember him or her forever.

Some people have strong spiritual beliefs that also guide their thinking about death. This is a wonderful time to share those beliefs. Others do not have a set belief system. This is okay, too. It is absolutely fine to stay grounded in the memories of our loved ones who have died, saying that we will always keep them in our hearts. It is also fine to say that different people have lots of different beliefs about death. Sometimes two parents have different ideas about souls, bodies, and death. Our children can hold different viewpoints. Encourage them to be curious, ask them what they believe. They may surprise you!

Perhaps, most importantly, don’t let your own confusion paralyze you. Having the discussion is more important than having the “right answers.” Being present emotionally and physically to hold your children in their own grief is the most important thing that you can give them during a challenging time.

Offer Different Opportunities to Express Feelings

Grief comes out of us in many different forms. Some might dissolve into tears while others may be angry. We may need to sit by ourselves, be wrapped up in big hugs, or to go outside and move our bodies. We may have all of those different needs in the course of a day, or even an hour!

This is a wonderful time to talk to our kids about feelings, about how big they can feel and how they also won’t always feel quite so overwhelming. In our family, we talked about how much we missed Sadie and how much that hurt, but I also told my kids that in time the hurt would be less but we would still have our wonderful memories.

I think that our kids need us to essentially do two things at once during a hard time: first, to absolutely validate their feelings and then also, to let them know the bigger picture, that they will be okay in the long run. 

You might expect some regression in kids who are grieving. Try to give more cuddle time and more one-on-time to the extent that you are able. You might also be more tolerant of outbursts, tantrums, and arguments, with the understanding that with so may big feelings in their bodies, some feelings might come out in unexpected ways. I have had to remind myself of the quicksilver nature of my children’s feelings—how they can seem perfectly fine one moment, next dissolve in tears, and the next be laughing again. All I can do is be with them for the ride!

Create Ritual

After Sadie died, our vet made a paw print in clay for us to keep. I set up a small memorial to her in our house with this memento, a picture of her in her younger days, and a candle. We still have this tribute to her and it offers a nice reminder of her throughout our day. My daughter and I culled through our family photos and created a photo book. My son created a video set to music. We spent time looking at the photos and watching the video as a family.

We also have Sadie’s ashes and have been planning a way to memorialize her when we feel ready. Layering in these rituals have helped us to feel connected to Sadie’s memories. My hope is that our family is laying a blueprint for how to deal with death in a loving, connected way. Death is an important part of life and the ways that we deal with death when our kids are young will impact them for the rest of their lives.

Resources

Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie

The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst.

When a Pet Dies

Why You Should Talk To Your Kids About Death

KIDS AND MEDIA: FORMULATING A FAMILY GAME PLAN

Like many of you, I find myself in almost daily negotiations with my kids about screen time. How much is allowed? Of what quality? What are exceptions to our general rules? Oh, and, can we get an Xbox?

Positive Discipline has a lovely saying that I often refer back to during my conversations with my own children about media: We often allow our kids too much freedom until we can’t stand our kids and then we rebound by imposing too many limits until we can’t stand ourselves as parents. I like to imagine love and limits as two guideposts and our job as parents is to try and walk down the middle of the two, because this is when both parents and children are being respected. But, of course, this is hard to do! My hope in this article is to give some information about how families can approach media usage with clear values and fair expectations.

In my work with parents, I find that many of us struggle with a lot of guilt and anxiety about media usage. We live in a time when types of media and media content are exploding at an exponential rate. There are many more demands on our time and many more choices than we experienced when we were children. Our kids are media and technology savvy, often much more so than we are! We have to make judgment calls in an environment that is changing and developing almost as quickly as our own children are. We are afraid of making a mistake, of either offering too little media or too much. I know few parents who feel that they have found the sweet spot in terms of their own or their kids’ technology usage.

Even science offers us few concrete answers. This year, the American Academy of Pediatrics announced that it will be convening to revisit the guidelines for media usage that it introduced in 2011. These guidelines stated that children under the age of 2 should have no screen time and that kids older than 2 should be limited to two hours of screen time a day. The thought is that the media landscape has changed quickly in the past four years and that the medical establishment is struggling to catch up. But, is this a recommendation based on what is best for kids, or simply a response to the real world in which parents need to take a shower or make a phone call and see a thirty minute period of screen time for even a very young child as the best option available to occupy their child’s time?

What is clear is that there is much we don’t know about media and how it is affecting our brains, and those of our children. Young children’s brains are thought to be at a more vulnerable developmental stage than those of older children. But, the fact is that our children are some of the first to experience a world with interactive phones and tablets, a world where we can watch what we want when we want to, a world wherein screens have infiltrated public and private spaces to a degree never seen before. We are the test cases and the good and the bad from this new world will be a focus of much interest in decades to come.

And yet, media is far from all bad, of course! Our children get to develop their ideas about people, places, and culture, drawing from the vast resources of the Internet. They can learn new skills, interact socially with peers, and learn valuable lessons about the world at large. Kids also are able to use media as we adults do, just to decompress after a long day, a way to rest our brains when we feel overtaxed or tired. The way I talk about it with my kids is to draw a pie chart filled with sections for all the activities that make up day for them: school, family time, eating, playing sports, reading, reflective time, etc. Media is one piece of this pie, but when it gets too big it can overshadow the other value parts that make up our lives. The goal is to live a balanced life with activities that make us feel good and help to build up our sense of selves. In this way, I try not to demonize screen time, but to show it as one part of a fulfilling life.

Kids do need guidance about how to use this time and parents need to be aware of what their kids are consuming in this vast media universe. I often recommend the fabulous website, Common Sense Media, for just this purpose. On this website, you can search for specific books, video games, tv shows, and movies. Each is given a age ranking and then guidelines about whether it includes positive messages, positive role models, violence, sex, language, consumerism, and drinking/drugs/smoking. Many of the descriptions also include discussion questions so that you can talk to your kids about the messages they are receiving. This teaches kids to be intelligent media consumers. These discussions can also give parents and kids real opportunities to explore values together.

Speaking of values, this is another parenting arena where we must figure out our own values. It is our child’s job to try and push against limits, and so we must know where we stand and why we made this decision in order to withstand the pressure that kids will inevitably place on us. Many families have a set amount of time for media every day, but may make exceptions for a family movie night or watching a sporting event together. While I do recommend having straightforward limits on media usage, it is also okay to have special occasions where those limits are consciously altered.

Finally, your kids are looking at what you do with your own usage of media. Do you live the values that you expect them to live? Is this a case of do what I say and not what I do? Parents absolutely get to use technology in front of their kids, but it might be helpful to mindfully put away your phone for solid chunks of time. I often recommend that parents try to avoid constantly checking their phones, but instead decide to be on their phone for a certain amount of time.

You can be completely transparent to your kids about this separation. “Right now, Mom is checking her email and returning some messages. I will be on the phone for around fifteen minutes, and then I will be available for playing again.” With this kind of language, you are making clear boundaries around your time which you need in order to get work done and engage in the outside world, while also being respectful that you are able to spend better quality time with your kids when you are not distracted. Right now, you are teaching your children valuable lessons about love and limits as you use technology mindfully and thoughtfully.

Sources:

Common Sense Media

Pediatricians Rethink Screen Time Policy for Children,Wall Street Journal

9 Tips That Helped Me Beat My iPhone Addiction, Huffington Post

TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST: PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL SELF-CARE

An Ideal Parent?

A model of an ideal parent has developed in many of our minds that is based on extreme self-sacrifice and self-denial. This mother or father consistently buries his or her own needs in order to satisfy those of his or her children. This parent smiles cheerfully while anticipating every need her child expresses, while letting her own joy and pleasure in life go unexplored. I’m not sure where this model came from, but I think it’s time for each of us to ensure that we are not buying into it!

We’ve all probably heard about the oxygen mask analogy when it comes to parenting. If we are not taking care of ourselves, we are not able to take care of our children. Moreover, if that is not enough motivation for you to take care of yourself, you can also think about what you are modeling for your children. Do you want your child to think this his or her needs should consistently come before those of anyone else in his or her life? By creating some basic boundaries and expectations, we can create a family life that is pleasant both for parents and for kids.

Parenting Changes Everything!

Clearly, there are many physical and emotional changes that occur while pregnant and while parenting young children. Emotionally, we can have a huge range of responses to this huge life change. Some of us are overwhelmed by our child’s dependence and vulnerability while other relish the intimacy and bond of early parenting. Some of us experience hormonal changes that lead to dramatic mood extremes. Seeking help is the most brave thing we can do in this situation. Finding support is something to feel proud of and will allow you to parent better as well in the long run. I often tell parents that this parenting game is a marathon not a race. If we blow through all our energy reserves early on, we will need to reformulate our game plan to find new supports.

As a parent, we have very little control and often little mastery. As soon as we figure out what’s going on with our mysterious children, they are often on to the next stage, leaving us pondering these new changes in their wake. It can be helpful to acknowledge to yourself the very hard work you do every day to love and care for your family, appreciating all that you do even when it feels like you’re not getting much done.

What If We Aim to Be “Good Enough”?

D.W. Winnicott offered the lovely suggestion that what children need most is a “good enough” parent. The idea is that children do not need us to be perfect. In fact, if we met every need they had at the exact right moment, our children would grow up to people we would never want to hang around with! A good enough mother meets most of her child’s needs, but also fails, and comes up short, because she is a fallible human being. This teaches children that no one is all good or all bad. It also allows children to test their own resilience and to feel competent on their own at times. So, during those times when you mess up, remember that we all do, and that you are actually helping your child to grow!

Physically, as well, many of us parents are exhausted. We try to fit so many things into a too-short day. By the time bedtime comes around, we are tired and yet still wired. Our minds have a hard time shutting down for the night. Or, as soon as we are asleep, we may be awakened by a child who needs us. Our bodies may become worn down.

And, our bodies may look and feel different from how they did before we had children. How has your body image changed since having a baby? Has that image affected your self-esteem? Has it affected your relationship? What are you doing now to feel good about yourself physically? Often, the trick is to be happy with who you are but also to push yourself toward being the best version of yourself possible. This involves self-knowledge, optimism, and a sense of humor! Kristen Neff, the pioneering researcher in self-compassion, offers an alternative to self-esteem. Instead, she says that we can learn to be content being who we are, not special or above average. This state of mind can actually lead to a greater ability for positive change rather than beating yourself up over some ideal version of yourself you think you should become.

An Exercise

Of course, it is understandable that the time and even the inclination to do certain activities may fall away after having a child. However, sometimes we can’t even remember what used to bring us joy and pleasure in our pre-children lives. I would suggest a simple exercise that you might find helpful.

Begin by creating a large circle on a sheet of paper. Then, create another large circle on a different sheet of paper. Label one paper “Pre-Child Life” and the other, “Post-Child Life.” Each circle represents your time over the course of a month. It includes all of the time that you are able to spend on activities that bring you joy, relaxation, play, and enjoyment, as well as the must-do responsibilities. Some of the things to consider including are: work, child-care, sleep, exercise, pleasurable activities (a bath, a meandering walk, a massage, etc.), time with partner, time with family, time with friends, spiritual exploration, time for solitude, enjoying meal times (both pleasure and fuel in an ideal situation!), arts activities, etc. You then put these activities into the two circles to represent the amount of time you are able to give to each activity both in your pre- and post- kid lives.

In the end, the circles will be different for every person. The point is to examine what you value. Pay attention to your feelings. It may feel fine to have given up certain activities. For others, you may feel sad that they have left your life and you need to make a plan to bring them back in!

Love and Authenticity

For me, self-care comes down to love and authenticity. What kind of life do you want to be living? How can you find small tweaks to make the life you have more joy-filled? One thought is to find activities that you deeply enjoy doing with your kids. Recognize that you won’t enjoy every child-centered activity, but find ones that you do love. This will both build a stronger relationship with your child and help your life to be more fun. Recognize who you are and find ways to be okay with the special and unique parenting qualities you bring to your relationship with your kids instead of measuring yourself against anyone else.

What would it look like to put your own oxygen mask on first? What feelings are conjured up in you when you think about putting your own needs before that of your children?

Sometimes just noticing our reactions can help us to decide whether something needs to change. We can also examine the images and ideals that we see represented in our society and in the media about how a good parent should take care of herself. You can start to think about what you need most right now and what is standing in the way of getting it. What do you need most right now to take better care of yourself? These are hard and brave conversations to have with yourself, with your partner, and perhaps with your friends. They require vulnerability and an ability to be willing to change. I send you strength and self-compassion as you think about these important issues.

MOVING PAST GUILT: A NORMAL, BUT UNNECESSARY, PART OF PARENTING

Guilt may very well be a universal part of the human experience, and is often compounded and heightened after becoming a parent. Suddenly, you are entrusted with the absolute care of another human being, while continuing to balance all the other aspects of your life from before becoming a parent. It can feel impossible at times to succeed at all the varied roles you must take on during a given day—as a parent, a spouse or partner, child, sibling, friend, and co-worker.

Often, we are our own worst critics, not only judging ourselves in the moment when things don’t go as we had planned, but also holding onto guilt far longer than we know we should. Unfortunately, holding onto guilt can keep us locked in a negative state instead of helping us to move forward with our relationships.

While we may know intellectually that no one is perfect, we must also learn to forgive ourselves in order to be the parent that we want to be. Part of this entails creating realistic expectations and seeking support when we need it.

Why Guilt?

But, how can we as parents learn to move past our guilt to be the best parents we can be? We live in a fast-paced world that puts many demands on our time and attention. As a parent, you are now dealing not only with all of your old pressures and expectations, but also with being a parent to a child whose needs and attention can feel all-consuming. We often approach parenting initially as we would a new job, and can feel that we are not succeeding when things go wrong or we don’t get done the things that we expected to. A large part of parenting involves adjusting expectations. Your world slows down with a new baby or child in your tow and it can be challenging to adjust to the new pace.

If you are working outside of the home and/or are taking care of your own parents as well, you may find yourself at wit’s end, not knowing how to balance all of the demands on your time and energy. Your own time to recharge and take care of yourself is compromised and you may be getting by on little sleep. Sometimes, you need to trust yourself and your instincts. Know that you are doing the best you can in a job that has no full-proof blueprint. It is okay to mess up, to not be perfect, and to forgive yourself and move forward.

More About Guilt

More than sixty years ago, pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott created the concept of the “good enough” mother. His idea was that an imperfect mother, providing love and nurturance to her baby creates the environment that a baby needs to thrive. In other words, a mother does not need to be perfect. In fact, it is not only impossible for a mother to meet every single need of her baby at all times, the fact that she cannot do so actually builds the baby and young child’s resilience. Sometimes, we need to remember that in doing the best we can, we are providing the best possible environment for our children. Yes, there will be times when you mess up, in many different ways, but you need to remember the base and attachment you are creating with your child and know that your relationship is strong enough to withstand difficult moments.

It is also okay to have conflicting feelings about your child, to feel frustrated and confused about your new role and about the demands that the child has put on your life. There are no relationships without mixed feelings. We learn parenting as we go, and learning necessarily means making mistakes. Approaching your relationship with your child with curiosity and engagement will help to bolster your connection, despite the mistakes you make along the way.

Self-Compassion Can Help

Kristin Neff, Ph. D. has done pioneering research in the field of self-compassion. She finds that self-compassion, based on Buddhist concepts, enables people to move forward in times of stress. Instead of beating oneself up for wrongdoings or imagined wrongdoings, a person practices self-compassion by treating herself as she would a dear friend or a child who was having a hard time. Instead of judging, criticizing, or ignoring the challenging situation, one can notice the feeling, be gentle with herself, and know that all people go through challenging times or fall short of their own or others expectations at times. This is a part of the human condition. We can then try and go forward and do better, but out of a place of understanding rather than of self-flagellation.

When we hold onto guilt, we don’t have space to repair our relationships. Repair makes relationships stronger, but first we have to forgive ourselves. Practicing self-compassion will not only help you, you are learning skills that will directly benefit your child as well.

So, Can Seeking Support!

When we keep guilty feelings locked inside, they can become more upsetting and even dangerous. Shame is incredibly destructive both to an individual and to relationships. Talking about your feelings with others can be incredibly cathartic. Making that first move to be open and vulnerable (your PEPS group is a great place to start!), will help others to feel comfortable sharing their experiences as well.

That said, one trap even wonderful parents can fall into is comparison. Remember that every person has his or her own tolerances and experiences. And, every baby has his or her own developmental stages, along with his own challenges and strengths. Try to stay attuned to your own experience and that of your baby, instead of measuring yourself and your baby against others.

When we parent with our best selves, we are kind to ourselves and to our babies, modeling repair and moving forward each day as we build strong relationships. Consider using the tools of self-compassion and support to bring you both comfort and joy in your parenting!

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS/JOURNAL PROMPTS

•Does guilt look different since having a child? When do you feel guilt?

•How was guilt handled in your family of origin? Do you want to handle it differently with your own children?

•Does your partner feel/deal with guilt in a similar way that you do?

•Is it challenging for you to move past feelings of disappointment? How do you do so?

•Do you find time to recharge? Do you have time for the activities that brought you pleasure before you became a parent?

•Do you feel that you hold yourself to reasonable expectations? What is reasonable to expect from a new parent?

•What advice might you give your own child when he/she is a new parent and feeling guilt?

•How do you imagine that parental guilt might change as your kids grow up?

•How do you think about using guilt as a parenting strategy? How do you want your own children to approach guilt and shame?

RESOURCES

Are You a Guilty Parent? (Psychology Today)

Letter to Working Mothers: Stop Feeling So Guilty (Forbes)

Why Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem (Center For Greater Good)

Ditch the Guilt and Raise Happier Kids (PBS)

The Whole-Hearted Parenting Manifesto (Huffington Post)