This fall, my son began middle school, moving from a school of one hundred kids to one that has over one thousand. I did my best to anticipate the challenges that lay ahead for him, and hoped that my anxiety about the transition wouldn’t cause his own to escalate. One of the most important things that we can do for our kids is to help contain our own intense feelings about their experiences so that our children can experience their lives with some feeling of independence and self-confidence. If my feelings about his transition became the family’s focus point, I would take something away from his experience.
That said, it is normal to have strong feelings as a parent when we know our children are facing new challenges. I try to balance being authentic about my feelings with showing equanimity and confidence in my children’s ability to succeed in life. I want them to know that I stand behind them one hundred percent in times when they are triumphing as well as when they need my help.
As a parent educator in cooperative preschool classrooms, I am often asked about kindergarten readiness. Sometimes these questions start entirely too young in my humble opinion. No parent should need to be worried about kindergarten when her child is two years old! I do believe, however, that being prepared emotionally and practically will go a long way in helping a whole family transition successfully to a new school and a new phase of life.
Some children move into kindergarten from a daycare within which they have spent time since they were infants. Others may have attended no preschool or very little hours of organized schooling. Regardless, we can help our children to feel calm and confident by trusting in their own ability to succeed. As parents, this is one of many times in our children’s lives in which we must believe in our child’s healthy growth. We must also trust the strength of our attachment to our child and know that they will seek out comfort and support from us.
Our children will look to us for stability in any major life transition. Make sure that you are taking good care of yourself and your own feelings. Seek out friends and experiences that help you to feel secure and confident. If you are considering different school options, then talk to friends, research online, go visit schools in person and talk to people there. Most importantly, check in with yourself about what helps and what makes you feel worse. Remember that your experience will affect your child’s experience.
As much as possible, avoid black or white thinking. There is no wrong choice here—whether you are choosing a school or choosing whether to start kindergarten or wait a year. These are different paths that all lead to good places. There may be situations when you need to assess and correct as you go, perhaps even changing schools if the first one ends up not being a great fit, but your child has an active and involved parent already. This is most strongly correlated with child success, more than anything else.
As you move through the year leading up to kindergarten, stay attuned to your child in the school process. This may shift with time. You are dealing with a moving target as your child grows. Your child is on his own unique developmental journey, so try not to compare him with other children. Your child is unfolding and developing in the exact right way for him. Talking candidly with your child’s preschool is a great way to get a read on her readiness for kindergarten. They have seen it all and have great knowledge of what helps kids to succeed. They may let you know that your child is advanced in one area and needs more support in another. This is normal. Nowadays, kindergarten readiness is at least as much about social emotional maturity as about academic skills. Schools and teachers are thinking about whole child, how to support and nurture her intellectually, socially, emotionally, and beyond.
Every family is unique. This is a fantastic time to sit down with your partner and ask yourselves what are you looking for in a school experience. What do you think would feel good for your child and family? What parts of your own education experience would you like to be the same or different for your child? What practical aspects do you need to consider vs. perfect world scenarios (e.g. commuting? child care needs?).
When you visit a school ask yourselves more questions. How do you feel about this place? Can you imagine your family there? Does it feel comfortable? Especially with elementary school, the comfort of parents/family unit really matters. This is a great time to have a bigger picture discussion with your partner about your family values for this particular child, realizing that he is his own unique person and may be very different from his parents and/or his siblings. Stay curious about your unique child and what she may need in kindergarten and beyond.
The more calm and collected you are able to be through this process the more your child will be able to have his own experience. Children are so attuned to a parent’s experience. If you don’t freak out, they may not either! One tip is to be neutral in language, “We’re looking at some different school choices for you for kindergarten. You are going to look at some of them, too. The grownups choose the best place for a kid to go to school, but you can tell us what you think, for sure!” Make sure that the child knows that you are in charge that you will make this decision. Positive discipline teaches us that a child will feel most secure with loving limits, with knowing a secure, calm adult is in charge. Try to enjoy the ride, you and your child are in for great adventures in kindergarten and beyond!